Update time....

Yes, the life and times of Clay....so interesting I know, but it's 240am and Im bored and wide ass awake (go figure)



So, let's chat.



I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.



Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.



Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.


Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.



Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.



Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.



Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.



Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.



I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.



Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.



Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.



If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.



Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.



To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.



I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.



Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.



Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!

Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.

Ta ta,

Clavis