Once upon a time.......

I am a giant. What I mean to say is that I stand nearly 9 feet tall and weight close to 700 pounds. I'm guessing that's bigger than you. Well, unlike you, I don't want to be noticed, no matter what.

I live atop a mountain. Yeah, all the cliche's are accurate. I live in a cave. I don't have central heat and air. Direct TV doesn't make it up here. Frankly, folks are so scared that I'm going to eat them, or whatever. My impression of people is simple. They fear what they don't understand.

It's also a misnomer that since I'm a giant, that I must be stupid. I let that go. If no one wants to get to know me, then they will never understand that I can read. I can write. I'm just really big, but I still get stares. Last year, some kids thought it would be funny to pull pranks on me. I didn't mind. Kids will be kids, but it would be really neat if I could be treated like everyone else.....but I'm not like everyone else.

Being a giant means certain stereotypes. First, we are all either crazy and bloodthirsty people that want to eat your children. The other is that I'm like Shrek. See what I mean. So, I don't venture down off my little hill very often. What's the point, no one likes me, and everyone is afraid of me. I've never done anything to anyone, but I feel the hatred. It's not a lot of fun. I'm lonely.

Today though, I've got a problem, which is going to lead me into town. I would rather just sit up here and be left alone, but town is where all the stuff is. Of course, my problems are a little different than most. Here's my problem. I have something stuck in my teeth. Unfortunately, dental floss doesn't do much for someone whose teeth weight about a pound per. So, what's a giant with steak in his teeth to do?

As I am walking down main street, my only goal is to keep my head down, and not step on any dogs, or cats. I really don't like cats, but my reputation is not so good anyway, so I take it easy on Sylvester, if I can.

"Hey, it's that giant, the one that lives in the cave up on the hill." "Yeah, don't stare at him, or he'll eat you." Can you believe that I have to hear that junk? Personally, I have never eaten a human, but it humors me of the ignorance of so many. I'm just really big....whatever.

I figured out my problem, so I'm headed to a store called "Hobby Lobby." I don't fit in at all. Little ol ladies are horrified. Moms break land speed records in order to get away from me. That's fine, I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.

I'm lost. My initial plan was to find some really thick thread, or yarn...whatever. I'm thinking this would be the best way for me to floss my teeth. I can't find anything except I've noticed that this is the place to buy candles and other crap for your house. I need help.

I look down.....there is a little girl staring up at me. Well, she was not a girl, she was a woman. Her name tag tells me that she works there, and her name is Leeann. Her eyes lock onto mine, and I'm a bit embarrassed. "Uh.....could you tell me where the thread is?" Her response was pretty witty. "Sir, are you planning on knitting something?"

She smiles. I smile. I now notice that she is not afraid of me at all. She looks into my eyes and has a confidence about her. She's also very pretty. Deep blue eyes, blonde hair that reaches her shoulders, and a smile that would melt an block of ice. I am in rarefied air. I am intimidated by this pretty girl.

Leeann asks me, "Why do you sit up on top of that hill in that cave?" "Do you think you are better than us?" "You should come down and visit."

I just shrug my shoulders, but Leeann has made me feel at ease, so I say, "Most folks think that I'm mean and will only hurt someone."

"Well, that's just ridiculous." "What's your name by the way?" "Everyone just calls you the "giant" that lives by himself inside a mountain."

"My name is Charlie." "Not Chuck, though."

"Well Charlie, let's get you some twine or whatever you need." Leeann is so nice. We venture over to the knitting section, and as expected, I cleared area in a hurry. Im looking for twine, not to eat someone's young. Morons.

Just about the time I'm slipping back into my funk of a mindset, there is Leeann. She reaches up and grabs my right hand. Her small hand was warm.....but delicate. I've never, ever had someone reach for my hand. "Come on big boy, how about this, will it do?"

I'm sweating like I stole something at his point. I'm so embarrassed. Thank heavens Leeann doesn't know I have a giant hunk of meat in my teeth. Strangely, I don't think she cares.

So, I'm headed for check out, but my new friend walking side by side. What do I say? "Uhh, thanks for your help, I really appreciate it Leeann." "I appreciate you treating me like a normal person."

"Charlie, you may be a giant and all, but that doesn't define you, or does it?" "Why don't you come out of that cave and come have dinner with me."

Holy crap, Leeann is asking me out. I have to say something, right? So, I take a great big breath, I lurch my shoulders back, and suck in my rather large stomach.....and say..........

"I'm gay."



The End

The Search for a Church

To be fair, I'm looking for God too.

For the past 6-7 months I have struggled to understand God's purpose in my life. Basically, I can't let go of the rope. That relief you feel when you just let go is thus far....absent. What has happened is that I CLEARLY do see God in others. How did I make this observation? I started going to church.

Today was different. See, until recently, I just have never gone to church. Church was so boring for me as a kid. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes for my 3rd grade teacher, how would someone conducting Sunday school have a chance with me? I was the kid that was in the balcony playing Tic-tac-Toe with someone, or trying to sneak out.

As an adult.....Church meant guilt. Guilt sucks. What else is there to say? I have a lot to feel guilty about and Church reminds me of both my guilt...and the fact that I've never gone..

Back to today. I went to a really big church today. When I walked in, my first thought was, "When's tip-off?" The few times I went to church, it was pews, hymnals, and crosses. Now, it's cushy personalized seating (I kid you not, my chair had a number on it) lyrics on multiple big screens, and a coffee shop/bookstore in the lobby. Yeah, it is so cool to grab a latte' right before everything starts.

I've been to 7 different churches since last July and can't commit myself to one or another. Whenever it hits me, I would expect that to be my Church. How does one choose their church? Why do you go where you go? Is my concept that insane??

I'm frustrated. Most things come easy to me. Faith does not. As it pours into some of you, it is slowly dripping into me. I get it, but I can't allow myself to open up to that kind of.......awe.

This marks the first time I have ever spoken about God. It's not that it's not been suggested...(you know who you are!!) I just think that I'm the last person to be talking about God, and my beliefs. Perhaps I will never feel comfortable talking about it, or whatever. Time will tell.

God bless.

Completely Random

Hey guys, this just happened minutes ago, so I'm just trying to get it down as fast as I can before I forget.....it might be bumpy.


I look down at my cell phone and I see "debcel" calling. This means that either my exwife (Debbie) or Emma is calling. As both an ex-husband and a father, seeing this brings anxiety at first......

You just never know......

Hello.

hey, it's Emma.

Oh, hey baby. What are you up to?

Is it still snowing there, is there snow everywhere?

No baby, it's stopped snowing, but there is still a little on the ground.

"Can you make a snowball?"

Uh, I don't think so....yeah, maybe. Yeah, Em, I could make one, do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?

No, Daddy. I want you to make a really big snowball, I mean, really big. Then I want you to put it into the freezer, so that when I see you, I can throw it at you. ha ha ha ha ha.

You're such a goober, Monster. I don't think a snowball would stay frozen that long.......you

know what, why not? Yeah Emma, I'll give it a try.

Ok, Daddy. I gotta go. I love you. Good Night!


It's the words, the little sentences, that make the whole world.

More musings....

Guess what? It's 3:46 A.M and I'm wide awake....and bored. A zillion channels and the best I can do is watch "The Dark Knight" again. So, let me begin......I know everyone is hanging on every word, so here are my thoughts on a few things....

Politics

I am doing some volunteering for a local candidate and one of the things I do is talk to folks going door to door. Yeah, I know, who would answer the door for me. Alas, it's actually very interesting what some of the folks in and around here have to say in general. For example, the other day I was talking to this very nice lady. As most conversations go, it was pretty tame. We chatted about the weather and whatnot. I decided (BIG MISTAKE) to bring up our POTUS (President of the..) and here is, and Im paraphasing here, the conversation.

Clay- So, what did you think about the State of the Union address the other night?

Nice Lady- What's that?

Clay- Uhh...you know, the President gave a speech last night? You might not have seen it. (At this point, I know I'm in deep doo-doo)

Nice Lady- I hate that Son of a (Female Dog) He's the devil, I tell you. He's been sent by Satan to destroy this country, and he is a (derogatory racial slur that ends in "ger") and anyone that voted for him is going to burn in hell.

Clay- Ok, well...please be sure to vote and have a nice day.


As I walked to the next house, it dawned on me that this line of thinking was not only shocking, but fairly common. Hey, I think Obama has definetely not done very well overall, but I think that biblical references are a bit harsh. I wrote a long time ago that although I have always been a Republican, I would have voted for him a year ago, so I'm not going to bash him too much. Like a lot of folks, I drank the Kool-Aid and felt the country needed a new direction. Personally, I think that Obama has done something that is fairly common in politics. He's overpromised and under delivered. That being said, has anything changed for the better since the election? food for thought.

Sports

I really would think it would be a great story if the Saints won the Super Bowl. I mean, I grew up with New Orleans fans with bags on their heads. After all, the "Aints" have been one of the worst sport franchises in all of sports and now they could win the Super Bowl....that's pretty cool. Of course, anything positive after Katrina would be awesome. That being said, I'm picking Indy (and my personal nemesis, Peyton Manning) to win....35-31.

Does anyone care the Winter Olympics are coming up?

I think UT is better off now than it was. Let's face it, Lame Kitten was not a good fit for Knoxville. Now, UT has a coach that cares more about winning than getting his name in the paper. I'm a little nervous that they went and got a Nick Saban disciple to boot.

Kentucky is really good, but Kansas is the best college basketball team out there. **What a shocker that they lost in Knoxville after the suspensions. Bruce Pearl is the best coach in the SEC...period.

Roll Tide Roll (had to go there, sorry)

Movies and Books

Edge of Darkness C
Zombieland B
The Hurt Locker A
Avatar B
Youth in Revolt B+
Up in the Air A


Me and Cheryl are on a quest to knock out the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies of all time. As a movie nerd, Ive seen about 70 of them, but the last two weekends we have waded thru: "The Godfather" "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" "Goodfellas" and "Casablanca" So far, so good, even though I got a comment about how we needed to stray from Gangster flicks, so it's chick flicks for awhile.

I haven't read a decent (and new to me) book in a while. I'm streaky that way. I'll go thru a book or two a week for a spell, then nada. I did just finish "The Godfather" again. What a great book. Has anyone read anything cool? Im out of the loop

This is boring...even by my standards....what else is there?

I nearly ended up in the hospital this week for two separate, but bizarre events. I mean, I'm the guy that had a 2 inch splinter pulled out of his butt once (don't ask) so I'm used to strange crap happening to me, so falling down in someone's driveway is pretty tame, but getting bitten by a 12 year old cat is different. Yeah, Cheryl's demon cat kicked my ass the other night. I tried to pick it up and it had other ideas. I was bleeding profusely from both hands and figured it would get infected. Wouldn't that have been a hoot if I ended up infected and in the ER with a pussy cat bite. HA!

I'm taking a high powered narcotic called Avinza. Yeah, it's a time released Morphine drug. Needless to say, I can't have a beer for awhile. My back (ad nauseum) has been just plain awful lately, so my doctor gave me a shot on top of prescribing something Elvis would have shunned. So, if you see me and I try to touch your face with a glazed look in my eyes, don't mind it. I won't remember it anyway. I make fun, but seriously, look it up.

I've gained 26 pounds back. I didn't want it. It took a lot to drop almost 70 pounds. It took like 4 hours to gain all that back. I don't have any idea what I can wear anymore. Depressing.

My Xmas tree is still up. Oddly, a lit tree is soothing to me. I don't know why. So, if you end up at my crib, don't mind it. I'm aware it's February.

Are the other 11 months "Anti-Black History Month?"

That's it. The Joker is about to make a pencil disappear. God bless.


Clayyyyy

Death in Life.

Let me explain my title. There is so much death in life. I mean, we humans, we experience the hurt of a loved one a lot before it's all said and done. That's tough.

My poor, precious Emmamonster lost another grandparent today. That's three out of four, but who is counting? **HEY DAD!!! STOP SMOKING!!!! YOU ARE IT!!! WE NEED YOU!!!

no pressure.

My ex-wife Debbie called me this afternoon and was upset. She said, "My dad died!" After all the battles, the fights, the pettiness, the tragedy of it all, I snapped to attention in full "husband" mode. I knew the man, and his relationship with Debbie. It deserved all my respect. I don't ever mention Debbie very much. It's partly because she would prefer it that way, and I've been ashamed to say anything, to be honest.

See, the cruelty of this, is that despite being a great mother, wife, daughter, and friend, she has lost the backbone of the family. Debbie is such a wonderful person, and just deserves better..period.

Not only did my ex suffer a devasting blow, but anyone connected to either one of us lost an outstanding example of what a man should be. Jerry was the toughest S.O.B I've ever been around. Let me give you a couple of examples, Jerry was shot while serving in the Navy...twice.

After retiring from the Navy in a teaching capacity, he rebuilt boats....and I mean the "Tiger Woods" types. Floating mansions. I remember Jerry telling me one time that 9 out of 10 repairs he ordered were because of someone not knowing what they were doing driving a boat....or mansion.

While working at Ross Marine, a crane fell on him. Uh, I have a great story about how I got this little scar above my eye...WHAT???? Yeah, a crane fell on him. One of those big suckers we see everyday off of I-75. The boom broke off of one of them and crushed him underneath. He took some surgery, rubbed dirt on it, and went back to work.

The only thing that defined him better as a man was that he was a devoted husband, and loyal father. From my perspective, Jerry's sole purpose was to serve his two daughters, her name is Christie, and his wife Pat. Pat died shortly before Emma was born. I believe it was September of 2000. Jerry was what most guys would call "A man's man." As far as father-in-law's go, I got lucky.

I think everyone that came across Jerry ended up better for it. I think that's the ultimate compliment. He made everyone, and everything better.

RIP

Harlem Globetrotter Story (before edit)

Imagine a basketball circus. Clowns, acrobatics, and some pretty good basketball all mixed in meant that the legendary "Harlem Globetrotters" were in the building. In front of a big crowd at McKenzie Arena last Wednesday night, the clown princes of basketball put on a show.

For 84 years, the Globetrotters have traversed the world entertaining millions. They have played for both President's and Pope's. For one night, Chattanooga held the privilege.

There is so much more to going to see the 'Trotters play than basketball. The comedic act that is performed on the hardwood would rival comedy preformed on any stage. And yes, they threw water on some poor folks sitting up front, just like they always have.

The leader of the 'Trotters was "Special K." K was about 6-7 or so and pretty lean, but his mouth was a non-stop narrative of what was going on. While performing dazzling stunts with a basketball, "K" was telling a joke, talking trash, or asking a fan for some popcorn.

Everybody for the Globetrotters had a cool name. "Ant" and "Scooter" were two of my favorites. The referees were aloof and were played the fool, and who can argue with that?

A couple of poor fans were pulled out on the court. Unfortunately, the general public does not have a good free throw percentage. I saw 11 straight bricks go up before one shot mercifully went in. A "Bronx cheer" went up as the awkwardness faded away.

Oh, the game itself. Well, the foil to our heroic Globetrotters would be the Washington Generals. The Generals play the Globetrotters night after night, and guess what, they have never won. Imagine a dream where you lose over and over. The Generals, dressed in green and yellow, kept the game close enough to make it interesting for the kids that didn't know any better.

The Globetrotters play basketball as if they were on roller skates and there were trampolines in every direction. The 'Trotters have a play in which they run every time on offense. It's called the "weave" and each player passes and then loops around a larger player in a figure eight pattern. At the center tonight was "Special K," verbally directing traffic as the basketball was moving from player to player like a dizzying effect.

Finally, "Special K" would rap up his bit, and either bounce it off the floor, off the backboard, or any other conceivable way in order the other players could take turns trying to bend the rims with one dazzling dunk after another.

The final score was 73-67, and it was punctuated by a furious, teeth rattling jam..over a referee unaware below. That's how you call it a night.





[Photo]

Scenes from an 8th grade basketball game....

First, let me say I'm sorry. I have spent the last 6 months with one sad blog after another. When did I get so mellow?


I have had an opportunity to go to some local basketball games of late. Specifically, I've been watching Lake Forest's teams. Junior High, excuse me, Middle School basketball sure has changed.

The other night, not only did we stand for the national anthem, but someone came out and sang it. I thought I was at a Yankees game. Next thing I hear is my own father's voice booming from behind a microphone, letting the maybe 150 folks in attendance, know the starting lineups. I was freaking out. The atmosphere was intimidating. A true home court advantage for sure.

See, I played at Bradley Junior from 1987-1989. It was old-school. Practice consisted of nothing but fundamentals: like ball handling drills, defensive positioning, and most importantly....conditioning. The three point line came out when I was in 8th grade. It was considered to be an "evil" part of the game. I'd say that you would see maybe 1 or 2 shots from downtown a night.

At Lake Forest, it was raining threes....and behind the back passes......dribbling between legs.....players animated. At first I thought, this is sacrilege. These boys don't know how to play. Turns out, I got used to it.

So, as I sit at the scorers table watching the game in a chair designed for pre-schoolers, and sitting by my father, a wind blew through the gymnasium. Kinda like someone broke wind.

Where were you when you heard Lane Kiffin had left UT? Now, let that sink in a bit. Sports fan or not, it was news. Even though an earthquake destroyed Haiti earlier, the buzzword was Lane Kiffin. Let me play this out as it happened......

A couple of kids came up to my father and taunted him by saying, "Lane Kiffin to USC." I figured that they were given my Dad a hard time because he's such a fan.

Dad: Uh, oh. That's Charles. (Charles is my grandfather, who lives in Memphis, TN, and graduated from Tennessee...a big fan)

Clay: Maybe there is something to this. (I then turn behind me and ask Cheryl for her PINK Blackberry, wanting to look up ESPN.com)

Clay: Yeah, Dad. It says here that Kiffin is leaving..taking his Dad and Orgeron.

My father reached over and picked up the microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, ESPN is reporting that Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin has resigned from UT and is taking a job at USC."

Folks, I'm sitting right next my Dad. I'm in an Alabama pullover, with a white Alabama toboggan. I'm also holding a pink blackberry. I was convinced I was about to be hit with a bottle in the back of the head.

The basketball ceased to exist. One of the Lake Forest coaches looked over and said, "Really?" Several shouts from the crowd went out. Three complete strangers came to the table and had questions. I could hear some choice words as well. Something like, $@#$ Kiffin, or something about his mother.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you football in the South...or more specifically Cleveland, TN. As I write this, I have been fortunate to be on the sidelines of an NCAA basketball tournament, but that moment at Lake Forest Middle School was about the most intense scene I've ever been around. As I said, about 150 people.

Lake Forest won by the way.


Clayyyy