The Search for a Church

To be fair, I'm looking for God too.

For the past 6-7 months I have struggled to understand God's purpose in my life. Basically, I can't let go of the rope. That relief you feel when you just let go is thus far....absent. What has happened is that I CLEARLY do see God in others. How did I make this observation? I started going to church.

Today was different. See, until recently, I just have never gone to church. Church was so boring for me as a kid. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes for my 3rd grade teacher, how would someone conducting Sunday school have a chance with me? I was the kid that was in the balcony playing Tic-tac-Toe with someone, or trying to sneak out.

As an adult.....Church meant guilt. Guilt sucks. What else is there to say? I have a lot to feel guilty about and Church reminds me of both my guilt...and the fact that I've never gone..

Back to today. I went to a really big church today. When I walked in, my first thought was, "When's tip-off?" The few times I went to church, it was pews, hymnals, and crosses. Now, it's cushy personalized seating (I kid you not, my chair had a number on it) lyrics on multiple big screens, and a coffee shop/bookstore in the lobby. Yeah, it is so cool to grab a latte' right before everything starts.

I've been to 7 different churches since last July and can't commit myself to one or another. Whenever it hits me, I would expect that to be my Church. How does one choose their church? Why do you go where you go? Is my concept that insane??

I'm frustrated. Most things come easy to me. Faith does not. As it pours into some of you, it is slowly dripping into me. I get it, but I can't allow myself to open up to that kind of.......awe.

This marks the first time I have ever spoken about God. It's not that it's not been suggested...(you know who you are!!) I just think that I'm the last person to be talking about God, and my beliefs. Perhaps I will never feel comfortable talking about it, or whatever. Time will tell.

God bless.