Let's take a sec...and get away from the gloom and doom. Sheesh...I just barely got started on my "Nut House" memoirs and have a long way to go. I just have to get them down on something other than toilet paper.
Ive been at Panera Bread all morning. It's a million voices all at once....and those annoying vibrating things that signal your food is ready.......I jump everytime those things go off. Luckily, the head phones are on and I need a boost.....Beethoven's Ninth....."Choir Version of Ode to Joy." Can you believe this guy composed this song by cutting the legs off a piano so he could feel the vibrations? That is genius.....and it's no one has ever come close. Mozart was a punk.
Anyway, to my left is a group of older gentlemen that seem to come here often. From what I have overheard they are discussing the end of the world. I don't see a Mayan Calendar, but they are discussing something they saw on the Bible channel. Is it me, or should the Bible channel (or whatever it is called) have like more uplifting stuff in it's programming. They are intense about it. Another thing....if I was getting coffee on my AARP card, which I will.....well scratch that......I would be discussing anything but the end of the world. Hell, it's coming for them anyway. Don't rush it pal.
Two other elderly gentlemen just about put me to sleep. Let me give you the conversation and try to stay awake. "Uh, gas went up again Earl...yep, 14 cents overnight." "Yeah, Im getting my oil changed next week, think Im gonna try that synthetic oil this time." "Hey, it's 11, the coffee just got changed out, it's fresh. I'm gonna get a cup." Please, put a pillow over my head and push till I don't fight anymore if i know when the coffee is gonna be fresh at Panera...please.
It's funny, but if my Grandfather was alive, this would be Mecca for him, so I shouldn't make too much fun.
If you are a moron, please stay away from me. I cannot help you. some idiot came up to me and asked me if I could help him jump his car off. No problem. I grab my cables and ask him where his car is. Im at Panera in Cleveland.....Paul Huff Parkway.....across from the Mall....or as I call it the gigantic waste of space that should be a golf course...a school....anything but a crappy Kmart. Can you imagine a Mall that doesn't have an arcade...wait, neither does Hamilton Place. Where can a guy get some Galaga in........Id would love to play some Mortal Combat.
Two girls are sitting across from me talking about guys. Guess what, they are bitching. From what I understand, Girl #1 is upset because her man hates Grey's Anatomy and wants to watch football all weekend. Do I need to comment on that? She's not my type anyway. Girl #2 is upset because her sweetie brought her flowers, chocolates, and a DVD for her anniversary. Excuse me, but it's a down economy...I see no ring of any kind. She should be thankful. Of course, I would have taken my girlfriend of two weeks to Hawaii first class. Question though, what did she get him? I know what he wanted....bet he didn't get it.
Ok...you cannot eat a breadbowl with a plastic fork......I think Ill just start carrying silverware around. damn it.....I can't hear a thing right now and a buzzer went off at the next table. They should swap out pacemakers for these things.
Uh oh....just spotted a dude use his water cup and put coke in it.....should I rat him out. Nah, he deserves it. He's gotta try and get thru that breadbowl.....
Have a good day to all. If you read these, I appreciate it and any feedback...good or bad is welcome....just make it good.
Clayyyy
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
First Date Part Deux!!!
Ok...so I've now been on a date thanks to a singles site. I met (online) a very nice girl name Leah last night. We chatted for what seems like hours and after determining that neither one of us were serial killers, we decided to go out this afternoon.
I was under the impression that taking a girl to a movie was not a good call on a first date...or at least that was the advice I was given. Well, that's not entirely true. Leah wanted to see a scary movie and "The Stepfather"was the best I could find. I didn't like it as much as the original, but I was entertained.
Of course the real story is just trying to to get through these first dates. This makes the second one I have been on fairly recently, and I think I'm getting a little bit better. We met at the Rave and everything went good. About halfway thru I made my big move. Yeah, I reached over and we held hands. I know....Im a stud.
Any attempt for me to do anything is bound to end up in some sort of disaster. This time, after getting gas, I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. We ended up at the Mall and walked around. I even did some shopping....not for me...but I was looking at women's handbags for a little bit. Thank GOD, she did not ask me my opinion because they all looked bad to me. How does a woman select a bag anyway. I understand that it is an accessory and all....sure, match the bag with what you're wearing, but as I take a look around, I notice that's not necessarily the main option. Is it a status thing? Who knows? My wallet, when not lost, just goes in my pocket. Girls....forget the Rosetta Stone or the Holy Grail, women are the greatest mystery of all time.
After shopping, we headed to Chili's for a very nice lunch. Leah and I have quite a bit in common. She's been thru the ringer pretty good and is sweet as soda pop (Rocky Top reference) and was very sweet as I got quite embarrassed for losing my wallet. Nope, I did not have to wash dishes, but I just went back with my money. Should I get one of those chains that go from your wallet to your beltloop. Would that give me some Testosterone points? Im telling you, if things don't go well, Im getting a Harley...and ADIOS!!!
The best martini's by the way are the ones that a bartender chills the glass.....uses a very high grade of Vodka (Belvedere is the best, but Stoli or the Goose work as well) makes it dirty as hell and loads it up with olives. Piss on that Cosmopolitan crap. Sour Apple? James Bond would vomit all over his Versace tuxedo. Just my opinion though. But, I digress.
Leah told me that she would like to see me again. Of course, she was probably being nice, but I will take it. Kind of like my serve in tennis or my jumper in basketball...as with dating, both are getting better....sharper, and more likely to find it's mark.
Going to Birmingham tomorrow to see a big bad Brain doctor...He will probably look at it and just laugh. Either way, I will have a good idea of what lies next soon. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
Love to all,
Clayyyyyy
I was under the impression that taking a girl to a movie was not a good call on a first date...or at least that was the advice I was given. Well, that's not entirely true. Leah wanted to see a scary movie and "The Stepfather"was the best I could find. I didn't like it as much as the original, but I was entertained.
Of course the real story is just trying to to get through these first dates. This makes the second one I have been on fairly recently, and I think I'm getting a little bit better. We met at the Rave and everything went good. About halfway thru I made my big move. Yeah, I reached over and we held hands. I know....Im a stud.
Any attempt for me to do anything is bound to end up in some sort of disaster. This time, after getting gas, I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. We ended up at the Mall and walked around. I even did some shopping....not for me...but I was looking at women's handbags for a little bit. Thank GOD, she did not ask me my opinion because they all looked bad to me. How does a woman select a bag anyway. I understand that it is an accessory and all....sure, match the bag with what you're wearing, but as I take a look around, I notice that's not necessarily the main option. Is it a status thing? Who knows? My wallet, when not lost, just goes in my pocket. Girls....forget the Rosetta Stone or the Holy Grail, women are the greatest mystery of all time.
After shopping, we headed to Chili's for a very nice lunch. Leah and I have quite a bit in common. She's been thru the ringer pretty good and is sweet as soda pop (Rocky Top reference) and was very sweet as I got quite embarrassed for losing my wallet. Nope, I did not have to wash dishes, but I just went back with my money. Should I get one of those chains that go from your wallet to your beltloop. Would that give me some Testosterone points? Im telling you, if things don't go well, Im getting a Harley...and ADIOS!!!
The best martini's by the way are the ones that a bartender chills the glass.....uses a very high grade of Vodka (Belvedere is the best, but Stoli or the Goose work as well) makes it dirty as hell and loads it up with olives. Piss on that Cosmopolitan crap. Sour Apple? James Bond would vomit all over his Versace tuxedo. Just my opinion though. But, I digress.
Leah told me that she would like to see me again. Of course, she was probably being nice, but I will take it. Kind of like my serve in tennis or my jumper in basketball...as with dating, both are getting better....sharper, and more likely to find it's mark.
Going to Birmingham tomorrow to see a big bad Brain doctor...He will probably look at it and just laugh. Either way, I will have a good idea of what lies next soon. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
Love to all,
Clayyyyyy
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Dentist Office
If I have to tell one more person that I got my teeth knocked out by a golf ball....well........it is funny. I'd laugh.
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Update time....
Yes, the life and times of Clay....so interesting I know, but it's 240am and Im bored and wide ass awake (go figure)
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Date Story...for real
So, a Rabbi walks into a bar.....
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
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