can't sleep....

Weird day.....had to have an epidural for the disc problem in my back. It was like going through a drive thru at McDonalds. The nurses were awesome. I got stuck 3 different times, including an IV and I was chatting it up the whole time and didn't feel a thing. This is a big deal because I'm a baby when it comes to needles and blood. I've nearly passed out a few times. Total wuss.

Anyhooo.....they flip me on my stomach, give me this wonderful drug call Fentinyl (sp) to sedate me....and yes, I did have a nice ride on the great space coaster if you catch my drift......I was high as a kite...sorry.

My doctor walks in like he's looking for a push cart at Walmart. He was like..."Uh, can we get this guy done, I want to go to Hooters for lunch." The good Dr. White takes a needle that looked like a sharpened baseball bat, and proceeded to stick it into my spine...right into the base of my back. Yeah, that sounds scary as hell, and that is why they got me high. I never felt a thing. Wow...modern medicine is sweet. Now if we could just see to it that EVERYONE gets the same treatment. Experiences like today remind me of how lucky it is to have someone else paying the freight for Dr. White and his team of supernurses.

In other news...it is only 8 days until Xmas. It seems my house will be full of both family and friends. Since Steph lives in Cali now, it's a big deal to get together. I took that for granted I think. Xmas Eve night, my posse is going to hook up with more family, which I can't wait. Im probably going to end up laughing til I puke.

Christmas is a weird time for me. Since my mom died, our birthday's (mom and son born on same day....pretty cool) and Christmas are the only times I seem to get emotional. Lots of triggers and fond memories can tear (as in ear) me up once that tree goes up. I miss my Mom.

Emma is all over me about "Rock Band" for Christmas.....I have found myself surrounded by strong women (Bonnie,Steph, Aunt Jane, Nana) and little Emma seems like she is headed that direction. I think she knows Im gonna spoil her a little bit...I think she's seen my hand. Not sure how to handle that one to be honest. Im a Daddy you know, I like to see her smile and then give me a hug.....what am I supposed to do? So, maybe my intentions are a little self-serving if I spoil her....sue me.

It's almost 3 am and Im wide awake. In the mental health world....what you have here is called "mania" for a bipolar person....or so I've heard. It's a really unique feeling. You feel tired, but not sleepy. You get this burst of energy..and it goes in every direction. For example, I will have done a full week of laundry, cleaned the den, written a blog, and paid some bills during this time. I usually hit the wall about 2pm, so the last part of the day, I'm ready to take a nap. So the insomnia is an issue, probably the biggest problem with my brand of bipolar. That all being said, it is best that I am alone when I feel this way. I become more sensitive...insecure...even a little paranoid sometimes. If you know me well and say to yourself "what is Clay's deal?" then I'm probably having one of these "spells"or whatever. In my teen's I think I would have a spell two or three times a day, which in hindsight was really bad. My twenties were a blur, so Im unsure, but frequent. Now, maybe once a week. The only good thing is that I can usually feel the anxiety and all that welling up and take a "chill pill" and adapt to what's going on around me. Some deep breaths and Im good. The point is that my temper is up and my tongue is quick, and Im a complete ass. So there, if you've read this and feel the same way, call Dr. I.P. Freeley for a free consultation.

Im going to a party Saturday night in Cleveland. I'm going to be mingling with folks I haven't seen since high school. Im a little nervous. I'm always thinking that I've been mean to someone I meet from back then. Insecurity is a real pain.

Well, that's it. I gotta go turn over some clothes...it's 3:02....my sister just sent me a text message. It's just midnight where she is....hmm.