Not with a bang, but a whimper...

My grandmother called me Sunday morning to tell me that my cousin Lynn had died. Lynn is a 3rd cousin and I have not laid eyes upon her in more than 20 years. I was told that the most probable cause of death was an overdose of the medications that she was taking. I do not know what drugs she was taking or what they were for, but I know she died alone, and that is a shame.

As most families' have skeletons in closets and secrets by the truck load, I can not speak definetively as to what was cause of her excommunication from her family, as well as the extended family that includes me and my sister, but I can only guess that Lynn fell victim to a stigma that is very hard to ignore. Over the years, the bits and pieces that I had heard had her pegged as a lesbian and a drug addict. Either of those are not causes for someone to live as a pariah and be shunned at every turn. Just weeks ago Lynn's grandmother died and I heard for myself from someone close to her situation say that "It's best that she's not here." Personally, if I lost my grandmother, it would take a large battalion of Marines to keep me from paying my last respects, but I digress.

See, I feel that I have much in common with Lynn. She was mentally ill and I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and most people feel one way or another about mental illness. The first way is to believe that "it's all in your head," and that it is "just an excuse for bad behavior." My own father thinks that "it's all a bunch of bullshit," to use his quote ,when I once tried to explain what was going on in my life. He blamed the pills that I took and the symptoms of my illness on other people....like it was black magic. In truth, manic depression is real and according to webmd.com, over 2 million people suffer from bipolar disorder.

The symptoms are pretty straightforward. Anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and racing thoughts are very common. For me, the most debiliating symptom is the fact that I wake up every morning so nervous and anxious that I am sometimes out of breath. Insomnia is next. Most people who know me laugh when they get emails or whatever when it's 3am in the morning. People, it's not by choice that I am up, and more frustrating is the fact that I cannot do anything about it.

I do take drugs for my problems. Three to be exact. The first one (Trazodone) is to relieve depression and allow me to stay "even" throughout a day. The second is Klonopin. Klonopin is in the same family as Xanex or Valium. I take Klonopin up to three times a day depending on how bad I feel....or as I like to say, how bad my "spells" are. Finally, I take an anti-psychotic medication called Seroquel. Seroquel is basically synthetic Thorazine. It has one and only one function.....that is to knock me out so I can sleep. I take up to 600mg of Seroquel each night and I can assure you that that dosage would drop a horse or put a "normal" person to sleep for 24-48 hours. I have given a half of one of these to a couple of people complaining of not being able to sleep and after that...they didn't complain anymore.

My point is that mental illnesses such as depression, bipolar disorder, panic attacks, post-partum depression are very real and are very hard to live with. These problems are part genetic and part learned behavior. For example, I am predisposed to mental illness. I know of at least 4 family members on just my mother's side that have suffered from problems ranging from alcoholism and manic depression to obsessive compulsive disorder. Mental illness is just like Cancer or heart disease when it comes to heredity. The question is, what makes someone predisposed to fall into mental illness.

According to two different psychiatrists that I have seen, the most common way to light the fuse is physical or verbal abuse as a child. The second way is the use of drugs and/or alcohol. The third is trauma, either physical or emotional. Not a difficult stretch for me to figure out what went wrong and when it happened.

The good news is that I take my medications EXACTLY as prescribed and see a professional to talk about my issues every few months. I believe that anyone can function normally as long as they are honest with themselves and get help. Although I will never be cured and will always have mood swings and bouts with my temper, I am able to concentrate and take care of myself whenever a black cloud arises.

So, next time you hear that someone "has that Bipolar thing," or that someone is crazy, try and understand that you might know someone very close that suffers from some sort of mental illness. It's no joke. More people suffer from Bipolar disorder than you think.

Take care.