To be fair, I'm looking for God too.
For the past 6-7 months I have struggled to understand God's purpose in my life. Basically, I can't let go of the rope. That relief you feel when you just let go is thus far....absent. What has happened is that I CLEARLY do see God in others. How did I make this observation? I started going to church.
Today was different. See, until recently, I just have never gone to church. Church was so boring for me as a kid. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes for my 3rd grade teacher, how would someone conducting Sunday school have a chance with me? I was the kid that was in the balcony playing Tic-tac-Toe with someone, or trying to sneak out.
As an adult.....Church meant guilt. Guilt sucks. What else is there to say? I have a lot to feel guilty about and Church reminds me of both my guilt...and the fact that I've never gone..
Back to today. I went to a really big church today. When I walked in, my first thought was, "When's tip-off?" The few times I went to church, it was pews, hymnals, and crosses. Now, it's cushy personalized seating (I kid you not, my chair had a number on it) lyrics on multiple big screens, and a coffee shop/bookstore in the lobby. Yeah, it is so cool to grab a latte' right before everything starts.
I've been to 7 different churches since last July and can't commit myself to one or another. Whenever it hits me, I would expect that to be my Church. How does one choose their church? Why do you go where you go? Is my concept that insane??
I'm frustrated. Most things come easy to me. Faith does not. As it pours into some of you, it is slowly dripping into me. I get it, but I can't allow myself to open up to that kind of.......awe.
This marks the first time I have ever spoken about God. It's not that it's not been suggested...(you know who you are!!) I just think that I'm the last person to be talking about God, and my beliefs. Perhaps I will never feel comfortable talking about it, or whatever. Time will tell.
God bless.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Completely Random
Hey guys, this just happened minutes ago, so I'm just trying to get it down as fast as I can before I forget.....it might be bumpy.
I look down at my cell phone and I see "debcel" calling. This means that either my exwife (Debbie) or Emma is calling. As both an ex-husband and a father, seeing this brings anxiety at first......
You just never know......
Hello.
hey, it's Emma.
Oh, hey baby. What are you up to?
Is it still snowing there, is there snow everywhere?
No baby, it's stopped snowing, but there is still a little on the ground.
"Can you make a snowball?"
Uh, I don't think so....yeah, maybe. Yeah, Em, I could make one, do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?
No, Daddy. I want you to make a really big snowball, I mean, really big. Then I want you to put it into the freezer, so that when I see you, I can throw it at you. ha ha ha ha ha.
You're such a goober, Monster. I don't think a snowball would stay frozen that long.......you
know what, why not? Yeah Emma, I'll give it a try.
Ok, Daddy. I gotta go. I love you. Good Night!
It's the words, the little sentences, that make the whole world.
I look down at my cell phone and I see "debcel" calling. This means that either my exwife (Debbie) or Emma is calling. As both an ex-husband and a father, seeing this brings anxiety at first......
You just never know......
Hello.
hey, it's Emma.
Oh, hey baby. What are you up to?
Is it still snowing there, is there snow everywhere?
No baby, it's stopped snowing, but there is still a little on the ground.
"Can you make a snowball?"
Uh, I don't think so....yeah, maybe. Yeah, Em, I could make one, do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?
No, Daddy. I want you to make a really big snowball, I mean, really big. Then I want you to put it into the freezer, so that when I see you, I can throw it at you. ha ha ha ha ha.
You're such a goober, Monster. I don't think a snowball would stay frozen that long.......you
know what, why not? Yeah Emma, I'll give it a try.
Ok, Daddy. I gotta go. I love you. Good Night!
It's the words, the little sentences, that make the whole world.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
More musings....
Guess what? It's 3:46 A.M and I'm wide awake....and bored. A zillion channels and the best I can do is watch "The Dark Knight" again. So, let me begin......I know everyone is hanging on every word, so here are my thoughts on a few things....
Politics
I am doing some volunteering for a local candidate and one of the things I do is talk to folks going door to door. Yeah, I know, who would answer the door for me. Alas, it's actually very interesting what some of the folks in and around here have to say in general. For example, the other day I was talking to this very nice lady. As most conversations go, it was pretty tame. We chatted about the weather and whatnot. I decided (BIG MISTAKE) to bring up our POTUS (President of the..) and here is, and Im paraphasing here, the conversation.
Clay- So, what did you think about the State of the Union address the other night?
Nice Lady- What's that?
Clay- Uhh...you know, the President gave a speech last night? You might not have seen it. (At this point, I know I'm in deep doo-doo)
Nice Lady- I hate that Son of a (Female Dog) He's the devil, I tell you. He's been sent by Satan to destroy this country, and he is a (derogatory racial slur that ends in "ger") and anyone that voted for him is going to burn in hell.
Clay- Ok, well...please be sure to vote and have a nice day.
As I walked to the next house, it dawned on me that this line of thinking was not only shocking, but fairly common. Hey, I think Obama has definetely not done very well overall, but I think that biblical references are a bit harsh. I wrote a long time ago that although I have always been a Republican, I would have voted for him a year ago, so I'm not going to bash him too much. Like a lot of folks, I drank the Kool-Aid and felt the country needed a new direction. Personally, I think that Obama has done something that is fairly common in politics. He's overpromised and under delivered. That being said, has anything changed for the better since the election? food for thought.
Sports
I really would think it would be a great story if the Saints won the Super Bowl. I mean, I grew up with New Orleans fans with bags on their heads. After all, the "Aints" have been one of the worst sport franchises in all of sports and now they could win the Super Bowl....that's pretty cool. Of course, anything positive after Katrina would be awesome. That being said, I'm picking Indy (and my personal nemesis, Peyton Manning) to win....35-31.
Does anyone care the Winter Olympics are coming up?
I think UT is better off now than it was. Let's face it, Lame Kitten was not a good fit for Knoxville. Now, UT has a coach that cares more about winning than getting his name in the paper. I'm a little nervous that they went and got a Nick Saban disciple to boot.
Kentucky is really good, but Kansas is the best college basketball team out there. **What a shocker that they lost in Knoxville after the suspensions. Bruce Pearl is the best coach in the SEC...period.
Roll Tide Roll (had to go there, sorry)
Movies and Books
Edge of Darkness C
Zombieland B
The Hurt Locker A
Avatar B
Youth in Revolt B+
Up in the Air A
Me and Cheryl are on a quest to knock out the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies of all time. As a movie nerd, Ive seen about 70 of them, but the last two weekends we have waded thru: "The Godfather" "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" "Goodfellas" and "Casablanca" So far, so good, even though I got a comment about how we needed to stray from Gangster flicks, so it's chick flicks for awhile.
I haven't read a decent (and new to me) book in a while. I'm streaky that way. I'll go thru a book or two a week for a spell, then nada. I did just finish "The Godfather" again. What a great book. Has anyone read anything cool? Im out of the loop
This is boring...even by my standards....what else is there?
I nearly ended up in the hospital this week for two separate, but bizarre events. I mean, I'm the guy that had a 2 inch splinter pulled out of his butt once (don't ask) so I'm used to strange crap happening to me, so falling down in someone's driveway is pretty tame, but getting bitten by a 12 year old cat is different. Yeah, Cheryl's demon cat kicked my ass the other night. I tried to pick it up and it had other ideas. I was bleeding profusely from both hands and figured it would get infected. Wouldn't that have been a hoot if I ended up infected and in the ER with a pussy cat bite. HA!
I'm taking a high powered narcotic called Avinza. Yeah, it's a time released Morphine drug. Needless to say, I can't have a beer for awhile. My back (ad nauseum) has been just plain awful lately, so my doctor gave me a shot on top of prescribing something Elvis would have shunned. So, if you see me and I try to touch your face with a glazed look in my eyes, don't mind it. I won't remember it anyway. I make fun, but seriously, look it up.
I've gained 26 pounds back. I didn't want it. It took a lot to drop almost 70 pounds. It took like 4 hours to gain all that back. I don't have any idea what I can wear anymore. Depressing.
My Xmas tree is still up. Oddly, a lit tree is soothing to me. I don't know why. So, if you end up at my crib, don't mind it. I'm aware it's February.
Are the other 11 months "Anti-Black History Month?"
That's it. The Joker is about to make a pencil disappear. God bless.
Clayyyyy
Politics
I am doing some volunteering for a local candidate and one of the things I do is talk to folks going door to door. Yeah, I know, who would answer the door for me. Alas, it's actually very interesting what some of the folks in and around here have to say in general. For example, the other day I was talking to this very nice lady. As most conversations go, it was pretty tame. We chatted about the weather and whatnot. I decided (BIG MISTAKE) to bring up our POTUS (President of the..) and here is, and Im paraphasing here, the conversation.
Clay- So, what did you think about the State of the Union address the other night?
Nice Lady- What's that?
Clay- Uhh...you know, the President gave a speech last night? You might not have seen it. (At this point, I know I'm in deep doo-doo)
Nice Lady- I hate that Son of a (Female Dog) He's the devil, I tell you. He's been sent by Satan to destroy this country, and he is a (derogatory racial slur that ends in "ger") and anyone that voted for him is going to burn in hell.
Clay- Ok, well...please be sure to vote and have a nice day.
As I walked to the next house, it dawned on me that this line of thinking was not only shocking, but fairly common. Hey, I think Obama has definetely not done very well overall, but I think that biblical references are a bit harsh. I wrote a long time ago that although I have always been a Republican, I would have voted for him a year ago, so I'm not going to bash him too much. Like a lot of folks, I drank the Kool-Aid and felt the country needed a new direction. Personally, I think that Obama has done something that is fairly common in politics. He's overpromised and under delivered. That being said, has anything changed for the better since the election? food for thought.
Sports
I really would think it would be a great story if the Saints won the Super Bowl. I mean, I grew up with New Orleans fans with bags on their heads. After all, the "Aints" have been one of the worst sport franchises in all of sports and now they could win the Super Bowl....that's pretty cool. Of course, anything positive after Katrina would be awesome. That being said, I'm picking Indy (and my personal nemesis, Peyton Manning) to win....35-31.
Does anyone care the Winter Olympics are coming up?
I think UT is better off now than it was. Let's face it, Lame Kitten was not a good fit for Knoxville. Now, UT has a coach that cares more about winning than getting his name in the paper. I'm a little nervous that they went and got a Nick Saban disciple to boot.
Kentucky is really good, but Kansas is the best college basketball team out there. **What a shocker that they lost in Knoxville after the suspensions. Bruce Pearl is the best coach in the SEC...period.
Roll Tide Roll (had to go there, sorry)
Movies and Books
Edge of Darkness C
Zombieland B
The Hurt Locker A
Avatar B
Youth in Revolt B+
Up in the Air A
Me and Cheryl are on a quest to knock out the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies of all time. As a movie nerd, Ive seen about 70 of them, but the last two weekends we have waded thru: "The Godfather" "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" "Goodfellas" and "Casablanca" So far, so good, even though I got a comment about how we needed to stray from Gangster flicks, so it's chick flicks for awhile.
I haven't read a decent (and new to me) book in a while. I'm streaky that way. I'll go thru a book or two a week for a spell, then nada. I did just finish "The Godfather" again. What a great book. Has anyone read anything cool? Im out of the loop
This is boring...even by my standards....what else is there?
I nearly ended up in the hospital this week for two separate, but bizarre events. I mean, I'm the guy that had a 2 inch splinter pulled out of his butt once (don't ask) so I'm used to strange crap happening to me, so falling down in someone's driveway is pretty tame, but getting bitten by a 12 year old cat is different. Yeah, Cheryl's demon cat kicked my ass the other night. I tried to pick it up and it had other ideas. I was bleeding profusely from both hands and figured it would get infected. Wouldn't that have been a hoot if I ended up infected and in the ER with a pussy cat bite. HA!
I'm taking a high powered narcotic called Avinza. Yeah, it's a time released Morphine drug. Needless to say, I can't have a beer for awhile. My back (ad nauseum) has been just plain awful lately, so my doctor gave me a shot on top of prescribing something Elvis would have shunned. So, if you see me and I try to touch your face with a glazed look in my eyes, don't mind it. I won't remember it anyway. I make fun, but seriously, look it up.
I've gained 26 pounds back. I didn't want it. It took a lot to drop almost 70 pounds. It took like 4 hours to gain all that back. I don't have any idea what I can wear anymore. Depressing.
My Xmas tree is still up. Oddly, a lit tree is soothing to me. I don't know why. So, if you end up at my crib, don't mind it. I'm aware it's February.
Are the other 11 months "Anti-Black History Month?"
That's it. The Joker is about to make a pencil disappear. God bless.
Clayyyyy
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