"Old man take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you." "Love lost such a cost, give me things that won't get lost."- Neil Young
The hardest thing in the world to do is to try not to cry. Go ahead. You know what I mean. Something sad is happening, maybe a funeral. Whatever. You are trying to do all you can to hold back tears, but they flow down the side of your cheek nonetheless. My personal Kryptonite is to hear "Amazing Grace" played on the backpipes. Niagara Falls everytime.
See, I'm a cryer, and I just lost it out on the back porch a few minutes ago. Emma's departure is just hours away and I really am not ready for it at all. I'm a hot mess. She was hollering for me a few minutes ago while in the shower. She had a huge knot in her hair and it just would not come out. By the time I got to here, she was yelling, "Daddy, I want to cut it all off." So, I asked her for the conditioner and she told me "I used it all Daddy, it's all gone, please cut it off." So, I jumped into the shower with her with my hairbrush and together we pulled and strained to get that knot out. I was lost....I was thinking that my next step would be peanut butter or mayonaise. What do I know about girl's hair? Finally, the knot came loose and the patient survived. Im pretty sure Emma's scalp will be sore for a while, but them's the breaks.
When Emma leaves, I'm going to be so alone, or at least it's gonna feel that way. I know how this dance goes. Ill spend the entire day in the bed, and probably the whole night as well. My thought process will be something like...."Did she have fun?" "Did I do enough to make her happy" "Will she miss me?" "Will she want to come back next year?" "Does she love me?"
Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid questions, but Im pretty stupid. Life is so cruel. Why must I lose so much? Why do I have to feel such absolute pain? It's not fair. The only thing I can take from it is that I appreciate what I have more now than then, but it is a sickening feeling to say goodbye to my child. The thought of food makes me want to Ralph all over my desk.
Am I a good father? Am I? How will I ever know? Right now, I feel like a failure. It's been a good summer, but I can't remember anything. All I can foresee is handing Emma back to her Mom and the uncertainty that will follow. Hence, the fact that Im listening to Neil Young.
Talk to yall later.
Clay
Friday, August 7, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
First Dates are special....
Hey folks. I went on my first date since my break-up and I think it went pretty well. Here, I'll tell you about it, and we will see.
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
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