Ok...so I've now been on a date thanks to a singles site. I met (online) a very nice girl name Leah last night. We chatted for what seems like hours and after determining that neither one of us were serial killers, we decided to go out this afternoon.
I was under the impression that taking a girl to a movie was not a good call on a first date...or at least that was the advice I was given. Well, that's not entirely true. Leah wanted to see a scary movie and "The Stepfather"was the best I could find. I didn't like it as much as the original, but I was entertained.
Of course the real story is just trying to to get through these first dates. This makes the second one I have been on fairly recently, and I think I'm getting a little bit better. We met at the Rave and everything went good. About halfway thru I made my big move. Yeah, I reached over and we held hands. I know....Im a stud.
Any attempt for me to do anything is bound to end up in some sort of disaster. This time, after getting gas, I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. We ended up at the Mall and walked around. I even did some shopping....not for me...but I was looking at women's handbags for a little bit. Thank GOD, she did not ask me my opinion because they all looked bad to me. How does a woman select a bag anyway. I understand that it is an accessory and all....sure, match the bag with what you're wearing, but as I take a look around, I notice that's not necessarily the main option. Is it a status thing? Who knows? My wallet, when not lost, just goes in my pocket. Girls....forget the Rosetta Stone or the Holy Grail, women are the greatest mystery of all time.
After shopping, we headed to Chili's for a very nice lunch. Leah and I have quite a bit in common. She's been thru the ringer pretty good and is sweet as soda pop (Rocky Top reference) and was very sweet as I got quite embarrassed for losing my wallet. Nope, I did not have to wash dishes, but I just went back with my money. Should I get one of those chains that go from your wallet to your beltloop. Would that give me some Testosterone points? Im telling you, if things don't go well, Im getting a Harley...and ADIOS!!!
The best martini's by the way are the ones that a bartender chills the glass.....uses a very high grade of Vodka (Belvedere is the best, but Stoli or the Goose work as well) makes it dirty as hell and loads it up with olives. Piss on that Cosmopolitan crap. Sour Apple? James Bond would vomit all over his Versace tuxedo. Just my opinion though. But, I digress.
Leah told me that she would like to see me again. Of course, she was probably being nice, but I will take it. Kind of like my serve in tennis or my jumper in basketball...as with dating, both are getting better....sharper, and more likely to find it's mark.
Going to Birmingham tomorrow to see a big bad Brain doctor...He will probably look at it and just laugh. Either way, I will have a good idea of what lies next soon. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
Love to all,
Clayyyyyy
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Dentist Office
If I have to tell one more person that I got my teeth knocked out by a golf ball....well........it is funny. I'd laugh.
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Update time....
Yes, the life and times of Clay....so interesting I know, but it's 240am and Im bored and wide ass awake (go figure)
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Date Story...for real
So, a Rabbi walks into a bar.....
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am surrounded by youth and energy....
I’m in my thirties, I am divorced, and have an 8 year old little girl named Emma. I came back to school to settle an old score you could say. My point being is that as I walk among you, my mind is filled with questions about what is it like to be 18 again.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m the guy that sits in the front of the class, with hand up. Always the guy who has to bother the Professor about something. Yeah, I think that too. I can’t stand those guys either, but I’m in the back.
The perspective of an “adult” student is really about different things. I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel as I have something to prove. I wonder how an undergrad in their 20’s feel s about that. I just think yall are having fun…a lot of fun.
As the first weeks of class gets cranked up and the weather starts to turn (ever so slowly), maybe take a look around and wonder what all that student has going on. Being a college student is hard I have learned. We are almost all poor, we have to get up in the morning, and the food in the UC is, well Ok.
There is more though. I want to give a shout out to all of us that are working full or part time jobs, juggling kids or marriages. I want to holler out for those might be like me and feel out of place. Like an alien.
Hey, every student I have come across or dealt with has been great, and I have no worries. The thing is that their doesn’t seem to be niche for us. Perhaps, we could pull together and start a fraternity. Oh, I forgot. My daughter has tap class those nights.
I’m not one of those people that complain about “today’s youth.”
Hey, I’m cool. I voted for Obama and believe this world needs to be fixed. I think that my only advantage over my peers that walk by me in halls is that I have gained years. It’s kinda like a time machine at UTC for me. I’m not wise, but have wisdom. You can’t get older without gaining experience, and experience leads to knowledge.
Knowledge some of you don’t have yet. I’m only talking about roofing your house and stuff, but you get my point. Hey, I really should be quiet. I get told I look a lot younger. I think it is because I moisturize, or perhaps the tea tree shampoo.
To all my classmates, I look forward to this chapter in my life. I got to bring my kid to UTC this summer to see “Daddy’s school.” I was proud that she was impressed. I am proud to be here.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m the guy that sits in the front of the class, with hand up. Always the guy who has to bother the Professor about something. Yeah, I think that too. I can’t stand those guys either, but I’m in the back.
The perspective of an “adult” student is really about different things. I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel as I have something to prove. I wonder how an undergrad in their 20’s feel s about that. I just think yall are having fun…a lot of fun.
As the first weeks of class gets cranked up and the weather starts to turn (ever so slowly), maybe take a look around and wonder what all that student has going on. Being a college student is hard I have learned. We are almost all poor, we have to get up in the morning, and the food in the UC is, well Ok.
There is more though. I want to give a shout out to all of us that are working full or part time jobs, juggling kids or marriages. I want to holler out for those might be like me and feel out of place. Like an alien.
Hey, every student I have come across or dealt with has been great, and I have no worries. The thing is that their doesn’t seem to be niche for us. Perhaps, we could pull together and start a fraternity. Oh, I forgot. My daughter has tap class those nights.
I’m not one of those people that complain about “today’s youth.”
Hey, I’m cool. I voted for Obama and believe this world needs to be fixed. I think that my only advantage over my peers that walk by me in halls is that I have gained years. It’s kinda like a time machine at UTC for me. I’m not wise, but have wisdom. You can’t get older without gaining experience, and experience leads to knowledge.
Knowledge some of you don’t have yet. I’m only talking about roofing your house and stuff, but you get my point. Hey, I really should be quiet. I get told I look a lot younger. I think it is because I moisturize, or perhaps the tea tree shampoo.
To all my classmates, I look forward to this chapter in my life. I got to bring my kid to UTC this summer to see “Daddy’s school.” I was proud that she was impressed. I am proud to be here.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Just hours away now....
"Old man take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you." "Love lost such a cost, give me things that won't get lost."- Neil Young
The hardest thing in the world to do is to try not to cry. Go ahead. You know what I mean. Something sad is happening, maybe a funeral. Whatever. You are trying to do all you can to hold back tears, but they flow down the side of your cheek nonetheless. My personal Kryptonite is to hear "Amazing Grace" played on the backpipes. Niagara Falls everytime.
See, I'm a cryer, and I just lost it out on the back porch a few minutes ago. Emma's departure is just hours away and I really am not ready for it at all. I'm a hot mess. She was hollering for me a few minutes ago while in the shower. She had a huge knot in her hair and it just would not come out. By the time I got to here, she was yelling, "Daddy, I want to cut it all off." So, I asked her for the conditioner and she told me "I used it all Daddy, it's all gone, please cut it off." So, I jumped into the shower with her with my hairbrush and together we pulled and strained to get that knot out. I was lost....I was thinking that my next step would be peanut butter or mayonaise. What do I know about girl's hair? Finally, the knot came loose and the patient survived. Im pretty sure Emma's scalp will be sore for a while, but them's the breaks.
When Emma leaves, I'm going to be so alone, or at least it's gonna feel that way. I know how this dance goes. Ill spend the entire day in the bed, and probably the whole night as well. My thought process will be something like...."Did she have fun?" "Did I do enough to make her happy" "Will she miss me?" "Will she want to come back next year?" "Does she love me?"
Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid questions, but Im pretty stupid. Life is so cruel. Why must I lose so much? Why do I have to feel such absolute pain? It's not fair. The only thing I can take from it is that I appreciate what I have more now than then, but it is a sickening feeling to say goodbye to my child. The thought of food makes me want to Ralph all over my desk.
Am I a good father? Am I? How will I ever know? Right now, I feel like a failure. It's been a good summer, but I can't remember anything. All I can foresee is handing Emma back to her Mom and the uncertainty that will follow. Hence, the fact that Im listening to Neil Young.
Talk to yall later.
Clay
The hardest thing in the world to do is to try not to cry. Go ahead. You know what I mean. Something sad is happening, maybe a funeral. Whatever. You are trying to do all you can to hold back tears, but they flow down the side of your cheek nonetheless. My personal Kryptonite is to hear "Amazing Grace" played on the backpipes. Niagara Falls everytime.
See, I'm a cryer, and I just lost it out on the back porch a few minutes ago. Emma's departure is just hours away and I really am not ready for it at all. I'm a hot mess. She was hollering for me a few minutes ago while in the shower. She had a huge knot in her hair and it just would not come out. By the time I got to here, she was yelling, "Daddy, I want to cut it all off." So, I asked her for the conditioner and she told me "I used it all Daddy, it's all gone, please cut it off." So, I jumped into the shower with her with my hairbrush and together we pulled and strained to get that knot out. I was lost....I was thinking that my next step would be peanut butter or mayonaise. What do I know about girl's hair? Finally, the knot came loose and the patient survived. Im pretty sure Emma's scalp will be sore for a while, but them's the breaks.
When Emma leaves, I'm going to be so alone, or at least it's gonna feel that way. I know how this dance goes. Ill spend the entire day in the bed, and probably the whole night as well. My thought process will be something like...."Did she have fun?" "Did I do enough to make her happy" "Will she miss me?" "Will she want to come back next year?" "Does she love me?"
Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid questions, but Im pretty stupid. Life is so cruel. Why must I lose so much? Why do I have to feel such absolute pain? It's not fair. The only thing I can take from it is that I appreciate what I have more now than then, but it is a sickening feeling to say goodbye to my child. The thought of food makes me want to Ralph all over my desk.
Am I a good father? Am I? How will I ever know? Right now, I feel like a failure. It's been a good summer, but I can't remember anything. All I can foresee is handing Emma back to her Mom and the uncertainty that will follow. Hence, the fact that Im listening to Neil Young.
Talk to yall later.
Clay
Monday, August 3, 2009
First Dates are special....
Hey folks. I went on my first date since my break-up and I think it went pretty well. Here, I'll tell you about it, and we will see.
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
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