I am a giant. What I mean to say is that I stand nearly 9 feet tall and weight close to 700 pounds. I'm guessing that's bigger than you. Well, unlike you, I don't want to be noticed, no matter what.
I live atop a mountain. Yeah, all the cliche's are accurate. I live in a cave. I don't have central heat and air. Direct TV doesn't make it up here. Frankly, folks are so scared that I'm going to eat them, or whatever. My impression of people is simple. They fear what they don't understand.
It's also a misnomer that since I'm a giant, that I must be stupid. I let that go. If no one wants to get to know me, then they will never understand that I can read. I can write. I'm just really big, but I still get stares. Last year, some kids thought it would be funny to pull pranks on me. I didn't mind. Kids will be kids, but it would be really neat if I could be treated like everyone else.....but I'm not like everyone else.
Being a giant means certain stereotypes. First, we are all either crazy and bloodthirsty people that want to eat your children. The other is that I'm like Shrek. See what I mean. So, I don't venture down off my little hill very often. What's the point, no one likes me, and everyone is afraid of me. I've never done anything to anyone, but I feel the hatred. It's not a lot of fun. I'm lonely.
Today though, I've got a problem, which is going to lead me into town. I would rather just sit up here and be left alone, but town is where all the stuff is. Of course, my problems are a little different than most. Here's my problem. I have something stuck in my teeth. Unfortunately, dental floss doesn't do much for someone whose teeth weight about a pound per. So, what's a giant with steak in his teeth to do?
As I am walking down main street, my only goal is to keep my head down, and not step on any dogs, or cats. I really don't like cats, but my reputation is not so good anyway, so I take it easy on Sylvester, if I can.
"Hey, it's that giant, the one that lives in the cave up on the hill." "Yeah, don't stare at him, or he'll eat you." Can you believe that I have to hear that junk? Personally, I have never eaten a human, but it humors me of the ignorance of so many. I'm just really big....whatever.
I figured out my problem, so I'm headed to a store called "Hobby Lobby." I don't fit in at all. Little ol ladies are horrified. Moms break land speed records in order to get away from me. That's fine, I don't want to talk to anyone anyway.
I'm lost. My initial plan was to find some really thick thread, or yarn...whatever. I'm thinking this would be the best way for me to floss my teeth. I can't find anything except I've noticed that this is the place to buy candles and other crap for your house. I need help.
I look down.....there is a little girl staring up at me. Well, she was not a girl, she was a woman. Her name tag tells me that she works there, and her name is Leeann. Her eyes lock onto mine, and I'm a bit embarrassed. "Uh.....could you tell me where the thread is?" Her response was pretty witty. "Sir, are you planning on knitting something?"
She smiles. I smile. I now notice that she is not afraid of me at all. She looks into my eyes and has a confidence about her. She's also very pretty. Deep blue eyes, blonde hair that reaches her shoulders, and a smile that would melt an block of ice. I am in rarefied air. I am intimidated by this pretty girl.
Leeann asks me, "Why do you sit up on top of that hill in that cave?" "Do you think you are better than us?" "You should come down and visit."
I just shrug my shoulders, but Leeann has made me feel at ease, so I say, "Most folks think that I'm mean and will only hurt someone."
"Well, that's just ridiculous." "What's your name by the way?" "Everyone just calls you the "giant" that lives by himself inside a mountain."
"My name is Charlie." "Not Chuck, though."
"Well Charlie, let's get you some twine or whatever you need." Leeann is so nice. We venture over to the knitting section, and as expected, I cleared area in a hurry. Im looking for twine, not to eat someone's young. Morons.
Just about the time I'm slipping back into my funk of a mindset, there is Leeann. She reaches up and grabs my right hand. Her small hand was warm.....but delicate. I've never, ever had someone reach for my hand. "Come on big boy, how about this, will it do?"
I'm sweating like I stole something at his point. I'm so embarrassed. Thank heavens Leeann doesn't know I have a giant hunk of meat in my teeth. Strangely, I don't think she cares.
So, I'm headed for check out, but my new friend walking side by side. What do I say? "Uhh, thanks for your help, I really appreciate it Leeann." "I appreciate you treating me like a normal person."
"Charlie, you may be a giant and all, but that doesn't define you, or does it?" "Why don't you come out of that cave and come have dinner with me."
Holy crap, Leeann is asking me out. I have to say something, right? So, I take a great big breath, I lurch my shoulders back, and suck in my rather large stomach.....and say..........
"I'm gay."
The End
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Search for a Church
To be fair, I'm looking for God too.
For the past 6-7 months I have struggled to understand God's purpose in my life. Basically, I can't let go of the rope. That relief you feel when you just let go is thus far....absent. What has happened is that I CLEARLY do see God in others. How did I make this observation? I started going to church.
Today was different. See, until recently, I just have never gone to church. Church was so boring for me as a kid. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes for my 3rd grade teacher, how would someone conducting Sunday school have a chance with me? I was the kid that was in the balcony playing Tic-tac-Toe with someone, or trying to sneak out.
As an adult.....Church meant guilt. Guilt sucks. What else is there to say? I have a lot to feel guilty about and Church reminds me of both my guilt...and the fact that I've never gone..
Back to today. I went to a really big church today. When I walked in, my first thought was, "When's tip-off?" The few times I went to church, it was pews, hymnals, and crosses. Now, it's cushy personalized seating (I kid you not, my chair had a number on it) lyrics on multiple big screens, and a coffee shop/bookstore in the lobby. Yeah, it is so cool to grab a latte' right before everything starts.
I've been to 7 different churches since last July and can't commit myself to one or another. Whenever it hits me, I would expect that to be my Church. How does one choose their church? Why do you go where you go? Is my concept that insane??
I'm frustrated. Most things come easy to me. Faith does not. As it pours into some of you, it is slowly dripping into me. I get it, but I can't allow myself to open up to that kind of.......awe.
This marks the first time I have ever spoken about God. It's not that it's not been suggested...(you know who you are!!) I just think that I'm the last person to be talking about God, and my beliefs. Perhaps I will never feel comfortable talking about it, or whatever. Time will tell.
God bless.
For the past 6-7 months I have struggled to understand God's purpose in my life. Basically, I can't let go of the rope. That relief you feel when you just let go is thus far....absent. What has happened is that I CLEARLY do see God in others. How did I make this observation? I started going to church.
Today was different. See, until recently, I just have never gone to church. Church was so boring for me as a kid. I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes for my 3rd grade teacher, how would someone conducting Sunday school have a chance with me? I was the kid that was in the balcony playing Tic-tac-Toe with someone, or trying to sneak out.
As an adult.....Church meant guilt. Guilt sucks. What else is there to say? I have a lot to feel guilty about and Church reminds me of both my guilt...and the fact that I've never gone..
Back to today. I went to a really big church today. When I walked in, my first thought was, "When's tip-off?" The few times I went to church, it was pews, hymnals, and crosses. Now, it's cushy personalized seating (I kid you not, my chair had a number on it) lyrics on multiple big screens, and a coffee shop/bookstore in the lobby. Yeah, it is so cool to grab a latte' right before everything starts.
I've been to 7 different churches since last July and can't commit myself to one or another. Whenever it hits me, I would expect that to be my Church. How does one choose their church? Why do you go where you go? Is my concept that insane??
I'm frustrated. Most things come easy to me. Faith does not. As it pours into some of you, it is slowly dripping into me. I get it, but I can't allow myself to open up to that kind of.......awe.
This marks the first time I have ever spoken about God. It's not that it's not been suggested...(you know who you are!!) I just think that I'm the last person to be talking about God, and my beliefs. Perhaps I will never feel comfortable talking about it, or whatever. Time will tell.
God bless.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Completely Random
Hey guys, this just happened minutes ago, so I'm just trying to get it down as fast as I can before I forget.....it might be bumpy.
I look down at my cell phone and I see "debcel" calling. This means that either my exwife (Debbie) or Emma is calling. As both an ex-husband and a father, seeing this brings anxiety at first......
You just never know......
Hello.
hey, it's Emma.
Oh, hey baby. What are you up to?
Is it still snowing there, is there snow everywhere?
No baby, it's stopped snowing, but there is still a little on the ground.
"Can you make a snowball?"
Uh, I don't think so....yeah, maybe. Yeah, Em, I could make one, do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?
No, Daddy. I want you to make a really big snowball, I mean, really big. Then I want you to put it into the freezer, so that when I see you, I can throw it at you. ha ha ha ha ha.
You're such a goober, Monster. I don't think a snowball would stay frozen that long.......you
know what, why not? Yeah Emma, I'll give it a try.
Ok, Daddy. I gotta go. I love you. Good Night!
It's the words, the little sentences, that make the whole world.
I look down at my cell phone and I see "debcel" calling. This means that either my exwife (Debbie) or Emma is calling. As both an ex-husband and a father, seeing this brings anxiety at first......
You just never know......
Hello.
hey, it's Emma.
Oh, hey baby. What are you up to?
Is it still snowing there, is there snow everywhere?
No baby, it's stopped snowing, but there is still a little on the ground.
"Can you make a snowball?"
Uh, I don't think so....yeah, maybe. Yeah, Em, I could make one, do you want me to take a picture of it and send it to you?
No, Daddy. I want you to make a really big snowball, I mean, really big. Then I want you to put it into the freezer, so that when I see you, I can throw it at you. ha ha ha ha ha.
You're such a goober, Monster. I don't think a snowball would stay frozen that long.......you
know what, why not? Yeah Emma, I'll give it a try.
Ok, Daddy. I gotta go. I love you. Good Night!
It's the words, the little sentences, that make the whole world.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
More musings....
Guess what? It's 3:46 A.M and I'm wide awake....and bored. A zillion channels and the best I can do is watch "The Dark Knight" again. So, let me begin......I know everyone is hanging on every word, so here are my thoughts on a few things....
Politics
I am doing some volunteering for a local candidate and one of the things I do is talk to folks going door to door. Yeah, I know, who would answer the door for me. Alas, it's actually very interesting what some of the folks in and around here have to say in general. For example, the other day I was talking to this very nice lady. As most conversations go, it was pretty tame. We chatted about the weather and whatnot. I decided (BIG MISTAKE) to bring up our POTUS (President of the..) and here is, and Im paraphasing here, the conversation.
Clay- So, what did you think about the State of the Union address the other night?
Nice Lady- What's that?
Clay- Uhh...you know, the President gave a speech last night? You might not have seen it. (At this point, I know I'm in deep doo-doo)
Nice Lady- I hate that Son of a (Female Dog) He's the devil, I tell you. He's been sent by Satan to destroy this country, and he is a (derogatory racial slur that ends in "ger") and anyone that voted for him is going to burn in hell.
Clay- Ok, well...please be sure to vote and have a nice day.
As I walked to the next house, it dawned on me that this line of thinking was not only shocking, but fairly common. Hey, I think Obama has definetely not done very well overall, but I think that biblical references are a bit harsh. I wrote a long time ago that although I have always been a Republican, I would have voted for him a year ago, so I'm not going to bash him too much. Like a lot of folks, I drank the Kool-Aid and felt the country needed a new direction. Personally, I think that Obama has done something that is fairly common in politics. He's overpromised and under delivered. That being said, has anything changed for the better since the election? food for thought.
Sports
I really would think it would be a great story if the Saints won the Super Bowl. I mean, I grew up with New Orleans fans with bags on their heads. After all, the "Aints" have been one of the worst sport franchises in all of sports and now they could win the Super Bowl....that's pretty cool. Of course, anything positive after Katrina would be awesome. That being said, I'm picking Indy (and my personal nemesis, Peyton Manning) to win....35-31.
Does anyone care the Winter Olympics are coming up?
I think UT is better off now than it was. Let's face it, Lame Kitten was not a good fit for Knoxville. Now, UT has a coach that cares more about winning than getting his name in the paper. I'm a little nervous that they went and got a Nick Saban disciple to boot.
Kentucky is really good, but Kansas is the best college basketball team out there. **What a shocker that they lost in Knoxville after the suspensions. Bruce Pearl is the best coach in the SEC...period.
Roll Tide Roll (had to go there, sorry)
Movies and Books
Edge of Darkness C
Zombieland B
The Hurt Locker A
Avatar B
Youth in Revolt B+
Up in the Air A
Me and Cheryl are on a quest to knock out the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies of all time. As a movie nerd, Ive seen about 70 of them, but the last two weekends we have waded thru: "The Godfather" "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" "Goodfellas" and "Casablanca" So far, so good, even though I got a comment about how we needed to stray from Gangster flicks, so it's chick flicks for awhile.
I haven't read a decent (and new to me) book in a while. I'm streaky that way. I'll go thru a book or two a week for a spell, then nada. I did just finish "The Godfather" again. What a great book. Has anyone read anything cool? Im out of the loop
This is boring...even by my standards....what else is there?
I nearly ended up in the hospital this week for two separate, but bizarre events. I mean, I'm the guy that had a 2 inch splinter pulled out of his butt once (don't ask) so I'm used to strange crap happening to me, so falling down in someone's driveway is pretty tame, but getting bitten by a 12 year old cat is different. Yeah, Cheryl's demon cat kicked my ass the other night. I tried to pick it up and it had other ideas. I was bleeding profusely from both hands and figured it would get infected. Wouldn't that have been a hoot if I ended up infected and in the ER with a pussy cat bite. HA!
I'm taking a high powered narcotic called Avinza. Yeah, it's a time released Morphine drug. Needless to say, I can't have a beer for awhile. My back (ad nauseum) has been just plain awful lately, so my doctor gave me a shot on top of prescribing something Elvis would have shunned. So, if you see me and I try to touch your face with a glazed look in my eyes, don't mind it. I won't remember it anyway. I make fun, but seriously, look it up.
I've gained 26 pounds back. I didn't want it. It took a lot to drop almost 70 pounds. It took like 4 hours to gain all that back. I don't have any idea what I can wear anymore. Depressing.
My Xmas tree is still up. Oddly, a lit tree is soothing to me. I don't know why. So, if you end up at my crib, don't mind it. I'm aware it's February.
Are the other 11 months "Anti-Black History Month?"
That's it. The Joker is about to make a pencil disappear. God bless.
Clayyyyy
Politics
I am doing some volunteering for a local candidate and one of the things I do is talk to folks going door to door. Yeah, I know, who would answer the door for me. Alas, it's actually very interesting what some of the folks in and around here have to say in general. For example, the other day I was talking to this very nice lady. As most conversations go, it was pretty tame. We chatted about the weather and whatnot. I decided (BIG MISTAKE) to bring up our POTUS (President of the..) and here is, and Im paraphasing here, the conversation.
Clay- So, what did you think about the State of the Union address the other night?
Nice Lady- What's that?
Clay- Uhh...you know, the President gave a speech last night? You might not have seen it. (At this point, I know I'm in deep doo-doo)
Nice Lady- I hate that Son of a (Female Dog) He's the devil, I tell you. He's been sent by Satan to destroy this country, and he is a (derogatory racial slur that ends in "ger") and anyone that voted for him is going to burn in hell.
Clay- Ok, well...please be sure to vote and have a nice day.
As I walked to the next house, it dawned on me that this line of thinking was not only shocking, but fairly common. Hey, I think Obama has definetely not done very well overall, but I think that biblical references are a bit harsh. I wrote a long time ago that although I have always been a Republican, I would have voted for him a year ago, so I'm not going to bash him too much. Like a lot of folks, I drank the Kool-Aid and felt the country needed a new direction. Personally, I think that Obama has done something that is fairly common in politics. He's overpromised and under delivered. That being said, has anything changed for the better since the election? food for thought.
Sports
I really would think it would be a great story if the Saints won the Super Bowl. I mean, I grew up with New Orleans fans with bags on their heads. After all, the "Aints" have been one of the worst sport franchises in all of sports and now they could win the Super Bowl....that's pretty cool. Of course, anything positive after Katrina would be awesome. That being said, I'm picking Indy (and my personal nemesis, Peyton Manning) to win....35-31.
Does anyone care the Winter Olympics are coming up?
I think UT is better off now than it was. Let's face it, Lame Kitten was not a good fit for Knoxville. Now, UT has a coach that cares more about winning than getting his name in the paper. I'm a little nervous that they went and got a Nick Saban disciple to boot.
Kentucky is really good, but Kansas is the best college basketball team out there. **What a shocker that they lost in Knoxville after the suspensions. Bruce Pearl is the best coach in the SEC...period.
Roll Tide Roll (had to go there, sorry)
Movies and Books
Edge of Darkness C
Zombieland B
The Hurt Locker A
Avatar B
Youth in Revolt B+
Up in the Air A
Me and Cheryl are on a quest to knock out the American Film Institute's Top 100 movies of all time. As a movie nerd, Ive seen about 70 of them, but the last two weekends we have waded thru: "The Godfather" "One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest" "Goodfellas" and "Casablanca" So far, so good, even though I got a comment about how we needed to stray from Gangster flicks, so it's chick flicks for awhile.
I haven't read a decent (and new to me) book in a while. I'm streaky that way. I'll go thru a book or two a week for a spell, then nada. I did just finish "The Godfather" again. What a great book. Has anyone read anything cool? Im out of the loop
This is boring...even by my standards....what else is there?
I nearly ended up in the hospital this week for two separate, but bizarre events. I mean, I'm the guy that had a 2 inch splinter pulled out of his butt once (don't ask) so I'm used to strange crap happening to me, so falling down in someone's driveway is pretty tame, but getting bitten by a 12 year old cat is different. Yeah, Cheryl's demon cat kicked my ass the other night. I tried to pick it up and it had other ideas. I was bleeding profusely from both hands and figured it would get infected. Wouldn't that have been a hoot if I ended up infected and in the ER with a pussy cat bite. HA!
I'm taking a high powered narcotic called Avinza. Yeah, it's a time released Morphine drug. Needless to say, I can't have a beer for awhile. My back (ad nauseum) has been just plain awful lately, so my doctor gave me a shot on top of prescribing something Elvis would have shunned. So, if you see me and I try to touch your face with a glazed look in my eyes, don't mind it. I won't remember it anyway. I make fun, but seriously, look it up.
I've gained 26 pounds back. I didn't want it. It took a lot to drop almost 70 pounds. It took like 4 hours to gain all that back. I don't have any idea what I can wear anymore. Depressing.
My Xmas tree is still up. Oddly, a lit tree is soothing to me. I don't know why. So, if you end up at my crib, don't mind it. I'm aware it's February.
Are the other 11 months "Anti-Black History Month?"
That's it. The Joker is about to make a pencil disappear. God bless.
Clayyyyy
Monday, January 25, 2010
Death in Life.
Let me explain my title. There is so much death in life. I mean, we humans, we experience the hurt of a loved one a lot before it's all said and done. That's tough.
My poor, precious Emmamonster lost another grandparent today. That's three out of four, but who is counting? **HEY DAD!!! STOP SMOKING!!!! YOU ARE IT!!! WE NEED YOU!!!
no pressure.
My ex-wife Debbie called me this afternoon and was upset. She said, "My dad died!" After all the battles, the fights, the pettiness, the tragedy of it all, I snapped to attention in full "husband" mode. I knew the man, and his relationship with Debbie. It deserved all my respect. I don't ever mention Debbie very much. It's partly because she would prefer it that way, and I've been ashamed to say anything, to be honest.
See, the cruelty of this, is that despite being a great mother, wife, daughter, and friend, she has lost the backbone of the family. Debbie is such a wonderful person, and just deserves better..period.
Not only did my ex suffer a devasting blow, but anyone connected to either one of us lost an outstanding example of what a man should be. Jerry was the toughest S.O.B I've ever been around. Let me give you a couple of examples, Jerry was shot while serving in the Navy...twice.
After retiring from the Navy in a teaching capacity, he rebuilt boats....and I mean the "Tiger Woods" types. Floating mansions. I remember Jerry telling me one time that 9 out of 10 repairs he ordered were because of someone not knowing what they were doing driving a boat....or mansion.
While working at Ross Marine, a crane fell on him. Uh, I have a great story about how I got this little scar above my eye...WHAT???? Yeah, a crane fell on him. One of those big suckers we see everyday off of I-75. The boom broke off of one of them and crushed him underneath. He took some surgery, rubbed dirt on it, and went back to work.
The only thing that defined him better as a man was that he was a devoted husband, and loyal father. From my perspective, Jerry's sole purpose was to serve his two daughters, her name is Christie, and his wife Pat. Pat died shortly before Emma was born. I believe it was September of 2000. Jerry was what most guys would call "A man's man." As far as father-in-law's go, I got lucky.
I think everyone that came across Jerry ended up better for it. I think that's the ultimate compliment. He made everyone, and everything better.
RIP
My poor, precious Emmamonster lost another grandparent today. That's three out of four, but who is counting? **HEY DAD!!! STOP SMOKING!!!! YOU ARE IT!!! WE NEED YOU!!!
no pressure.
My ex-wife Debbie called me this afternoon and was upset. She said, "My dad died!" After all the battles, the fights, the pettiness, the tragedy of it all, I snapped to attention in full "husband" mode. I knew the man, and his relationship with Debbie. It deserved all my respect. I don't ever mention Debbie very much. It's partly because she would prefer it that way, and I've been ashamed to say anything, to be honest.
See, the cruelty of this, is that despite being a great mother, wife, daughter, and friend, she has lost the backbone of the family. Debbie is such a wonderful person, and just deserves better..period.
Not only did my ex suffer a devasting blow, but anyone connected to either one of us lost an outstanding example of what a man should be. Jerry was the toughest S.O.B I've ever been around. Let me give you a couple of examples, Jerry was shot while serving in the Navy...twice.
After retiring from the Navy in a teaching capacity, he rebuilt boats....and I mean the "Tiger Woods" types. Floating mansions. I remember Jerry telling me one time that 9 out of 10 repairs he ordered were because of someone not knowing what they were doing driving a boat....or mansion.
While working at Ross Marine, a crane fell on him. Uh, I have a great story about how I got this little scar above my eye...WHAT???? Yeah, a crane fell on him. One of those big suckers we see everyday off of I-75. The boom broke off of one of them and crushed him underneath. He took some surgery, rubbed dirt on it, and went back to work.
The only thing that defined him better as a man was that he was a devoted husband, and loyal father. From my perspective, Jerry's sole purpose was to serve his two daughters, her name is Christie, and his wife Pat. Pat died shortly before Emma was born. I believe it was September of 2000. Jerry was what most guys would call "A man's man." As far as father-in-law's go, I got lucky.
I think everyone that came across Jerry ended up better for it. I think that's the ultimate compliment. He made everyone, and everything better.
RIP
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Harlem Globetrotter Story (before edit)
Imagine a basketball circus. Clowns, acrobatics, and some pretty good basketball all mixed in meant that the legendary "Harlem Globetrotters" were in the building. In front of a big crowd at McKenzie Arena last Wednesday night, the clown princes of basketball put on a show.
For 84 years, the Globetrotters have traversed the world entertaining millions. They have played for both President's and Pope's. For one night, Chattanooga held the privilege.
There is so much more to going to see the 'Trotters play than basketball. The comedic act that is performed on the hardwood would rival comedy preformed on any stage. And yes, they threw water on some poor folks sitting up front, just like they always have.
The leader of the 'Trotters was "Special K." K was about 6-7 or so and pretty lean, but his mouth was a non-stop narrative of what was going on. While performing dazzling stunts with a basketball, "K" was telling a joke, talking trash, or asking a fan for some popcorn.
Everybody for the Globetrotters had a cool name. "Ant" and "Scooter" were two of my favorites. The referees were aloof and were played the fool, and who can argue with that?
A couple of poor fans were pulled out on the court. Unfortunately, the general public does not have a good free throw percentage. I saw 11 straight bricks go up before one shot mercifully went in. A "Bronx cheer" went up as the awkwardness faded away.
Oh, the game itself. Well, the foil to our heroic Globetrotters would be the Washington Generals. The Generals play the Globetrotters night after night, and guess what, they have never won. Imagine a dream where you lose over and over. The Generals, dressed in green and yellow, kept the game close enough to make it interesting for the kids that didn't know any better.
The Globetrotters play basketball as if they were on roller skates and there were trampolines in every direction. The 'Trotters have a play in which they run every time on offense. It's called the "weave" and each player passes and then loops around a larger player in a figure eight pattern. At the center tonight was "Special K," verbally directing traffic as the basketball was moving from player to player like a dizzying effect.
Finally, "Special K" would rap up his bit, and either bounce it off the floor, off the backboard, or any other conceivable way in order the other players could take turns trying to bend the rims with one dazzling dunk after another.
The final score was 73-67, and it was punctuated by a furious, teeth rattling jam..over a referee unaware below. That's how you call it a night.
[Photo]
For 84 years, the Globetrotters have traversed the world entertaining millions. They have played for both President's and Pope's. For one night, Chattanooga held the privilege.
There is so much more to going to see the 'Trotters play than basketball. The comedic act that is performed on the hardwood would rival comedy preformed on any stage. And yes, they threw water on some poor folks sitting up front, just like they always have.
The leader of the 'Trotters was "Special K." K was about 6-7 or so and pretty lean, but his mouth was a non-stop narrative of what was going on. While performing dazzling stunts with a basketball, "K" was telling a joke, talking trash, or asking a fan for some popcorn.
Everybody for the Globetrotters had a cool name. "Ant" and "Scooter" were two of my favorites. The referees were aloof and were played the fool, and who can argue with that?
A couple of poor fans were pulled out on the court. Unfortunately, the general public does not have a good free throw percentage. I saw 11 straight bricks go up before one shot mercifully went in. A "Bronx cheer" went up as the awkwardness faded away.
Oh, the game itself. Well, the foil to our heroic Globetrotters would be the Washington Generals. The Generals play the Globetrotters night after night, and guess what, they have never won. Imagine a dream where you lose over and over. The Generals, dressed in green and yellow, kept the game close enough to make it interesting for the kids that didn't know any better.
The Globetrotters play basketball as if they were on roller skates and there were trampolines in every direction. The 'Trotters have a play in which they run every time on offense. It's called the "weave" and each player passes and then loops around a larger player in a figure eight pattern. At the center tonight was "Special K," verbally directing traffic as the basketball was moving from player to player like a dizzying effect.
Finally, "Special K" would rap up his bit, and either bounce it off the floor, off the backboard, or any other conceivable way in order the other players could take turns trying to bend the rims with one dazzling dunk after another.
The final score was 73-67, and it was punctuated by a furious, teeth rattling jam..over a referee unaware below. That's how you call it a night.
[Photo]
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Scenes from an 8th grade basketball game....
First, let me say I'm sorry. I have spent the last 6 months with one sad blog after another. When did I get so mellow?
I have had an opportunity to go to some local basketball games of late. Specifically, I've been watching Lake Forest's teams. Junior High, excuse me, Middle School basketball sure has changed.
The other night, not only did we stand for the national anthem, but someone came out and sang it. I thought I was at a Yankees game. Next thing I hear is my own father's voice booming from behind a microphone, letting the maybe 150 folks in attendance, know the starting lineups. I was freaking out. The atmosphere was intimidating. A true home court advantage for sure.
See, I played at Bradley Junior from 1987-1989. It was old-school. Practice consisted of nothing but fundamentals: like ball handling drills, defensive positioning, and most importantly....conditioning. The three point line came out when I was in 8th grade. It was considered to be an "evil" part of the game. I'd say that you would see maybe 1 or 2 shots from downtown a night.
At Lake Forest, it was raining threes....and behind the back passes......dribbling between legs.....players animated. At first I thought, this is sacrilege. These boys don't know how to play. Turns out, I got used to it.
So, as I sit at the scorers table watching the game in a chair designed for pre-schoolers, and sitting by my father, a wind blew through the gymnasium. Kinda like someone broke wind.
Where were you when you heard Lane Kiffin had left UT? Now, let that sink in a bit. Sports fan or not, it was news. Even though an earthquake destroyed Haiti earlier, the buzzword was Lane Kiffin. Let me play this out as it happened......
A couple of kids came up to my father and taunted him by saying, "Lane Kiffin to USC." I figured that they were given my Dad a hard time because he's such a fan.
Dad: Uh, oh. That's Charles. (Charles is my grandfather, who lives in Memphis, TN, and graduated from Tennessee...a big fan)
Clay: Maybe there is something to this. (I then turn behind me and ask Cheryl for her PINK Blackberry, wanting to look up ESPN.com)
Clay: Yeah, Dad. It says here that Kiffin is leaving..taking his Dad and Orgeron.
My father reached over and picked up the microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, ESPN is reporting that Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin has resigned from UT and is taking a job at USC."
Folks, I'm sitting right next my Dad. I'm in an Alabama pullover, with a white Alabama toboggan. I'm also holding a pink blackberry. I was convinced I was about to be hit with a bottle in the back of the head.
The basketball ceased to exist. One of the Lake Forest coaches looked over and said, "Really?" Several shouts from the crowd went out. Three complete strangers came to the table and had questions. I could hear some choice words as well. Something like, $@#$ Kiffin, or something about his mother.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you football in the South...or more specifically Cleveland, TN. As I write this, I have been fortunate to be on the sidelines of an NCAA basketball tournament, but that moment at Lake Forest Middle School was about the most intense scene I've ever been around. As I said, about 150 people.
Lake Forest won by the way.
Clayyyy
I have had an opportunity to go to some local basketball games of late. Specifically, I've been watching Lake Forest's teams. Junior High, excuse me, Middle School basketball sure has changed.
The other night, not only did we stand for the national anthem, but someone came out and sang it. I thought I was at a Yankees game. Next thing I hear is my own father's voice booming from behind a microphone, letting the maybe 150 folks in attendance, know the starting lineups. I was freaking out. The atmosphere was intimidating. A true home court advantage for sure.
See, I played at Bradley Junior from 1987-1989. It was old-school. Practice consisted of nothing but fundamentals: like ball handling drills, defensive positioning, and most importantly....conditioning. The three point line came out when I was in 8th grade. It was considered to be an "evil" part of the game. I'd say that you would see maybe 1 or 2 shots from downtown a night.
At Lake Forest, it was raining threes....and behind the back passes......dribbling between legs.....players animated. At first I thought, this is sacrilege. These boys don't know how to play. Turns out, I got used to it.
So, as I sit at the scorers table watching the game in a chair designed for pre-schoolers, and sitting by my father, a wind blew through the gymnasium. Kinda like someone broke wind.
Where were you when you heard Lane Kiffin had left UT? Now, let that sink in a bit. Sports fan or not, it was news. Even though an earthquake destroyed Haiti earlier, the buzzword was Lane Kiffin. Let me play this out as it happened......
A couple of kids came up to my father and taunted him by saying, "Lane Kiffin to USC." I figured that they were given my Dad a hard time because he's such a fan.
Dad: Uh, oh. That's Charles. (Charles is my grandfather, who lives in Memphis, TN, and graduated from Tennessee...a big fan)
Clay: Maybe there is something to this. (I then turn behind me and ask Cheryl for her PINK Blackberry, wanting to look up ESPN.com)
Clay: Yeah, Dad. It says here that Kiffin is leaving..taking his Dad and Orgeron.
My father reached over and picked up the microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen, ESPN is reporting that Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin has resigned from UT and is taking a job at USC."
Folks, I'm sitting right next my Dad. I'm in an Alabama pullover, with a white Alabama toboggan. I'm also holding a pink blackberry. I was convinced I was about to be hit with a bottle in the back of the head.
The basketball ceased to exist. One of the Lake Forest coaches looked over and said, "Really?" Several shouts from the crowd went out. Three complete strangers came to the table and had questions. I could hear some choice words as well. Something like, $@#$ Kiffin, or something about his mother.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you football in the South...or more specifically Cleveland, TN. As I write this, I have been fortunate to be on the sidelines of an NCAA basketball tournament, but that moment at Lake Forest Middle School was about the most intense scene I've ever been around. As I said, about 150 people.
Lake Forest won by the way.
Clayyyy
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Happy New Year's
2010....who would have thunk it? I'd be sitting here typing this mess. I am at, what I would consider the greatest crossroad of my life. Here, now, it's more important than any other time in my life. Why?
I'm 35 years old. I think if I get lucky, I might be halfway complete with my life. Yeah, I seriously doubt I'll be so spry at 70. Since I'm a little past halfway through life, n0w would be a good time for some self-assessment.
Let's do this a simple way. Pros vs. Cons.
Pro.....I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the world to have a beautiful girl, who is kind, gentle, and my daughter.
Con......I live 420 miles away from her. Is there not a greater irony of my life in which I live so far away from what gives me strength? Something must change.
Pro- As luck would shine down on me again, I have fallen for someone. Yep, little different this time though. I'm comfortable in my own skin with her. I'm never comfortable, even if I'm asleep.
Con- It makes me nervous. (Only me)
Pro I have found God. It's not time for me to lay it down, but for the first time, I not looking straight down when I walk. There is a sense of purpose.
Con- I'm terrified.
I like that old saying. "Wherever you go, there you are," it seems right. For all the mediocrity and worse that I have put up with, there is still time. Lots of it, really. My decisions during this time will not only affect me, but those that I care for. The last time I felt like this was....well....it was another time. Anyway.......
clayyyy
I hope everyone enjoyed themselves over the holidays. Emma was here for a week and we set a new land speed recored in order to get everything done. God Bless.
I'm 35 years old. I think if I get lucky, I might be halfway complete with my life. Yeah, I seriously doubt I'll be so spry at 70. Since I'm a little past halfway through life, n0w would be a good time for some self-assessment.
Let's do this a simple way. Pros vs. Cons.
Pro.....I am the luckiest son of a bitch in the world to have a beautiful girl, who is kind, gentle, and my daughter.
Con......I live 420 miles away from her. Is there not a greater irony of my life in which I live so far away from what gives me strength? Something must change.
Pro- As luck would shine down on me again, I have fallen for someone. Yep, little different this time though. I'm comfortable in my own skin with her. I'm never comfortable, even if I'm asleep.
Con- It makes me nervous. (Only me)
Pro I have found God. It's not time for me to lay it down, but for the first time, I not looking straight down when I walk. There is a sense of purpose.
Con- I'm terrified.
I like that old saying. "Wherever you go, there you are," it seems right. For all the mediocrity and worse that I have put up with, there is still time. Lots of it, really. My decisions during this time will not only affect me, but those that I care for. The last time I felt like this was....well....it was another time. Anyway.......
clayyyy
I hope everyone enjoyed themselves over the holidays. Emma was here for a week and we set a new land speed recored in order to get everything done. God Bless.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas back in the day
As I write this, I must admit that I am tearing up. I don't know exactly why, but I am. I think it's because I am remembering a tradition that was held for many, many years.
Christmas Eve was a very special time for my family. There was a time when my immediate family would come together for one night and put our differences aside.
It was a time that we would go around the room and open presents. My cousin and I would get the same exact thing from my Nana and Papaw. Everything was the same, right down to the matching sets of underwear. I remember one time David and I got ink pens that opened up like switchblades. How cool is that? Of course, there were some stinkers in there as well.
Most memorable was the purple sweatsuit that Nana got me. David's was navy if I remember correctly, but mine was Barney like purple. I've told this story before, but when I tried it on, I looked like "Grimace." Nana replied, "Clay, that just looks great on you." How could I argue with that.
My job was to make "Whispers." A "Whisper" is a delightful concoction that I learned how to make back in my bartending days. It's Vanilla ice cream, Bailey's Irish Creme, Hazelnut Liquor, and a little milk. The only time I have ever seen my Nana take a sip of alcohol was on Christmas Eve. Her cheeks would get a little red.
My memories of my kid sister come to mind. She had that red hair that seemed to glow against the colors of Christmas. She would bounce around in a cute dress from one person to another. Always so happy and affectionate. Steph was everyone's little favorite, especially with my Papaw. It such a great memory to see Stephanie sitting in Papaw's lap. You know what it's like to sit in that lap, you might as well sit upon a throne. Steph was the princess.
My Mom and Aunt Jane seemed to interchange in the kitchen. Sausage balls, those little weenie things in BBQ sauce, every dip imaginable......the food just kept coming. My mother would always burn the rolls, but it was to be expected. The woman never saw a timer she liked.
As the evening would seemingly come to a close, the music would start. Each Uncle, Step-Dad, son, daughter would have a chance to play a song. Inevitably, there would be dancing. Steph would stand on a chair. Nana and Papaw would kiss each other for a split second. (PDA was frowned upon, I guess) and finally I would get to dance with my mom. Each year, I would get a little taller. Mom was 5-10, so it took a long time to look into those brown eyes, but I finally caught up. She would tell me she loved me, and I her. I miss her very much. I miss everyone very much.
Now, time has moved on. Some have passed on gracefully like my hero Grandfather. Some have died too young. Some have their own families, and some have moved away. But I still remember every single moment.
I was lucky. If you still bother to read this, please don't take it for granted. Celebrate each other as hard as you can. It won't last forever.
Merry Xmas. Love to everyone.
Clay
Christmas Eve was a very special time for my family. There was a time when my immediate family would come together for one night and put our differences aside.
It was a time that we would go around the room and open presents. My cousin and I would get the same exact thing from my Nana and Papaw. Everything was the same, right down to the matching sets of underwear. I remember one time David and I got ink pens that opened up like switchblades. How cool is that? Of course, there were some stinkers in there as well.
Most memorable was the purple sweatsuit that Nana got me. David's was navy if I remember correctly, but mine was Barney like purple. I've told this story before, but when I tried it on, I looked like "Grimace." Nana replied, "Clay, that just looks great on you." How could I argue with that.
My job was to make "Whispers." A "Whisper" is a delightful concoction that I learned how to make back in my bartending days. It's Vanilla ice cream, Bailey's Irish Creme, Hazelnut Liquor, and a little milk. The only time I have ever seen my Nana take a sip of alcohol was on Christmas Eve. Her cheeks would get a little red.
My memories of my kid sister come to mind. She had that red hair that seemed to glow against the colors of Christmas. She would bounce around in a cute dress from one person to another. Always so happy and affectionate. Steph was everyone's little favorite, especially with my Papaw. It such a great memory to see Stephanie sitting in Papaw's lap. You know what it's like to sit in that lap, you might as well sit upon a throne. Steph was the princess.
My Mom and Aunt Jane seemed to interchange in the kitchen. Sausage balls, those little weenie things in BBQ sauce, every dip imaginable......the food just kept coming. My mother would always burn the rolls, but it was to be expected. The woman never saw a timer she liked.
As the evening would seemingly come to a close, the music would start. Each Uncle, Step-Dad, son, daughter would have a chance to play a song. Inevitably, there would be dancing. Steph would stand on a chair. Nana and Papaw would kiss each other for a split second. (PDA was frowned upon, I guess) and finally I would get to dance with my mom. Each year, I would get a little taller. Mom was 5-10, so it took a long time to look into those brown eyes, but I finally caught up. She would tell me she loved me, and I her. I miss her very much. I miss everyone very much.
Now, time has moved on. Some have passed on gracefully like my hero Grandfather. Some have died too young. Some have their own families, and some have moved away. But I still remember every single moment.
I was lucky. If you still bother to read this, please don't take it for granted. Celebrate each other as hard as you can. It won't last forever.
Merry Xmas. Love to everyone.
Clay
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thanksgiving
So, my family went in all directions over Thanksgiving. Emmamonster was staying with her Mom over the break, but I was fortunate to have very special friends (Chris and Jenny) that invited me over for dinner. I got more than I bargained for. I was expecting to just eat my weight and leave, but I found a new perspective for family and friends.
Of course, the most pressing thing was the awkwardness that comes when you are someone's house and are going through the introductions. For some reason, I feel so awful when this happens. I'm a very outgoing person naturally, but I equate introductions to an inquisition. "Hi, my name is Clay. Do you mind if I give you my life story before we sit down." It's just insecurity of course, but I do it every single time.
The first thing I noticed was how beautiful everyone's kids were. I just sat there gawking at these children that were all dressed up in their "Sunday" best, for just this occasion. My eyes were especially glued to this angelic little girl, whose name now escapes me. I mean, figure skating was on the TV, so "people watching" was what I was forced to do. You ever notice how sweet kids are when they are trying to integrate into the group? They slowly walk up and want to play....they have this sheepish look......they don't know what to say......finally, they get the courage and the next thing you know, they are breaking and tearing stuff up just like the other kids. It's a lot like dating....actually. But, I digress.
The entire time it was all I could muster not to tear up, because I was thinking about Emma. Emma was in Spartanburg with her cousins, but I wanted to be there....each kid that walked in front of me was a little older than the next. So, suddenly I was delving deep into my brain to remember Emma at 3, then at 5, then 7. My fondest Thanksgiving memory was when Emma was 4. Emma was really beginning to become chatty. I just remember her sitting on my stomach as we split some ice cream. "More, Daddy, quit eating all of it" I was inches from cracking up and crying a couple of times, but I knew I would have other opportunities to make an ass of myself...sure enough I did not disappoint.
Of course, you can't have a holiday without a few Griswald moments to go along. Speaking of which. "Christmas Vacation" has now officially replaced "A Christmas Story" as the movie to watch over the holidays. "Hey Clark, Shitter's full," says Uncle Eddie. That is just classic. Anyway, back to my Turkey day adventure. So, I was on my way to get my second helping of food when I made a big boo boo. I had somehow or another spilled something all over my lap. In addition, for the zillionth time, my fly was down. Why can't I remember something that most 3rd graders mastered while in Kingergarten. I think I'm just lazy when it comes to that, or I think that I am perpetually in pajama pants. How in the world did I get cranberry sauce on my pants....My entire purpose of the day was to get out alive. I should have prayed for not embarrassing myself while I was at it. No dice.
Well, I played it off pretty cool like, or so I thought. Slight of hand and all. As I am trying to clean myself out...while looking cool, I look up and yep, one of these cute little kids is looking at me like I was the boogeyman himself. It's bad enough that I wasn't family, but now I looked like a hobo with bladder issues. The little one took off in a Usain Bolt. I was terrified that I was going to have to explain my sheer lack of coordination to an angry parent that I just meant. Time to go, Clay.
Thanksgiving is not even near the top of the list of favorite holidays. I really didn't understand what it's all about. I mean, are we really celebrating pilgrims...Indians....whatever. I don't get it exactly. The part where we "give thanks" is where I get lost. I thought Thankgiving was the day before "Black Friday" As I stood in the middle of a room with mostly strangers, I finally figured it out. These folks are thankful for each other....for their family, their mothers, their cousins...it has nothing to do with the Cowboy game on the TV or the really good food we are about to devour.
My problem is that my family has divided into other families. My sister celebrates with her husband and his family. My daughter is with her mother and her family.....Nana even went out with some friends. My Dad has his family now. So, what's my family? I dunno. I've got Willie, but no one that shares my last name is stopping by. Why is that? My guess is that family's evolve.....and keep evolving.
I think I want more family. I miss it. Christmas is coming up and it's bittersweet.....sweet mostly, but you cannot have a holiday without thinking of those you have lost...and the ones you have, so I December is emotional, I guess. The good news is that the Monster will be here for a while and that's my present. Of course, she has ordered me to get a Xmas tree. I really was hoping I was through all the pageantry of Xmas, but when you have a 9 year old...forgeddaboutit.
It's not about being blessed more than others...It's not a race. It's not like Facebook where you can say.."Hey, I've got 229 friends." I just need one....thankfully.
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.....see you soon.
Clayyyyyyyyyy
Of course, the most pressing thing was the awkwardness that comes when you are someone's house and are going through the introductions. For some reason, I feel so awful when this happens. I'm a very outgoing person naturally, but I equate introductions to an inquisition. "Hi, my name is Clay. Do you mind if I give you my life story before we sit down." It's just insecurity of course, but I do it every single time.
The first thing I noticed was how beautiful everyone's kids were. I just sat there gawking at these children that were all dressed up in their "Sunday" best, for just this occasion. My eyes were especially glued to this angelic little girl, whose name now escapes me. I mean, figure skating was on the TV, so "people watching" was what I was forced to do. You ever notice how sweet kids are when they are trying to integrate into the group? They slowly walk up and want to play....they have this sheepish look......they don't know what to say......finally, they get the courage and the next thing you know, they are breaking and tearing stuff up just like the other kids. It's a lot like dating....actually. But, I digress.
The entire time it was all I could muster not to tear up, because I was thinking about Emma. Emma was in Spartanburg with her cousins, but I wanted to be there....each kid that walked in front of me was a little older than the next. So, suddenly I was delving deep into my brain to remember Emma at 3, then at 5, then 7. My fondest Thanksgiving memory was when Emma was 4. Emma was really beginning to become chatty. I just remember her sitting on my stomach as we split some ice cream. "More, Daddy, quit eating all of it" I was inches from cracking up and crying a couple of times, but I knew I would have other opportunities to make an ass of myself...sure enough I did not disappoint.
Of course, you can't have a holiday without a few Griswald moments to go along. Speaking of which. "Christmas Vacation" has now officially replaced "A Christmas Story" as the movie to watch over the holidays. "Hey Clark, Shitter's full," says Uncle Eddie. That is just classic. Anyway, back to my Turkey day adventure. So, I was on my way to get my second helping of food when I made a big boo boo. I had somehow or another spilled something all over my lap. In addition, for the zillionth time, my fly was down. Why can't I remember something that most 3rd graders mastered while in Kingergarten. I think I'm just lazy when it comes to that, or I think that I am perpetually in pajama pants. How in the world did I get cranberry sauce on my pants....My entire purpose of the day was to get out alive. I should have prayed for not embarrassing myself while I was at it. No dice.
Well, I played it off pretty cool like, or so I thought. Slight of hand and all. As I am trying to clean myself out...while looking cool, I look up and yep, one of these cute little kids is looking at me like I was the boogeyman himself. It's bad enough that I wasn't family, but now I looked like a hobo with bladder issues. The little one took off in a Usain Bolt. I was terrified that I was going to have to explain my sheer lack of coordination to an angry parent that I just meant. Time to go, Clay.
Thanksgiving is not even near the top of the list of favorite holidays. I really didn't understand what it's all about. I mean, are we really celebrating pilgrims...Indians....whatever. I don't get it exactly. The part where we "give thanks" is where I get lost. I thought Thankgiving was the day before "Black Friday" As I stood in the middle of a room with mostly strangers, I finally figured it out. These folks are thankful for each other....for their family, their mothers, their cousins...it has nothing to do with the Cowboy game on the TV or the really good food we are about to devour.
My problem is that my family has divided into other families. My sister celebrates with her husband and his family. My daughter is with her mother and her family.....Nana even went out with some friends. My Dad has his family now. So, what's my family? I dunno. I've got Willie, but no one that shares my last name is stopping by. Why is that? My guess is that family's evolve.....and keep evolving.
I think I want more family. I miss it. Christmas is coming up and it's bittersweet.....sweet mostly, but you cannot have a holiday without thinking of those you have lost...and the ones you have, so I December is emotional, I guess. The good news is that the Monster will be here for a while and that's my present. Of course, she has ordered me to get a Xmas tree. I really was hoping I was through all the pageantry of Xmas, but when you have a 9 year old...forgeddaboutit.
It's not about being blessed more than others...It's not a race. It's not like Facebook where you can say.."Hey, I've got 229 friends." I just need one....thankfully.
I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.....see you soon.
Clayyyyyyyyyy
Thursday, October 22, 2009
eavesdropping
Let's take a sec...and get away from the gloom and doom. Sheesh...I just barely got started on my "Nut House" memoirs and have a long way to go. I just have to get them down on something other than toilet paper.
Ive been at Panera Bread all morning. It's a million voices all at once....and those annoying vibrating things that signal your food is ready.......I jump everytime those things go off. Luckily, the head phones are on and I need a boost.....Beethoven's Ninth....."Choir Version of Ode to Joy." Can you believe this guy composed this song by cutting the legs off a piano so he could feel the vibrations? That is genius.....and it's no one has ever come close. Mozart was a punk.
Anyway, to my left is a group of older gentlemen that seem to come here often. From what I have overheard they are discussing the end of the world. I don't see a Mayan Calendar, but they are discussing something they saw on the Bible channel. Is it me, or should the Bible channel (or whatever it is called) have like more uplifting stuff in it's programming. They are intense about it. Another thing....if I was getting coffee on my AARP card, which I will.....well scratch that......I would be discussing anything but the end of the world. Hell, it's coming for them anyway. Don't rush it pal.
Two other elderly gentlemen just about put me to sleep. Let me give you the conversation and try to stay awake. "Uh, gas went up again Earl...yep, 14 cents overnight." "Yeah, Im getting my oil changed next week, think Im gonna try that synthetic oil this time." "Hey, it's 11, the coffee just got changed out, it's fresh. I'm gonna get a cup." Please, put a pillow over my head and push till I don't fight anymore if i know when the coffee is gonna be fresh at Panera...please.
It's funny, but if my Grandfather was alive, this would be Mecca for him, so I shouldn't make too much fun.
If you are a moron, please stay away from me. I cannot help you. some idiot came up to me and asked me if I could help him jump his car off. No problem. I grab my cables and ask him where his car is. Im at Panera in Cleveland.....Paul Huff Parkway.....across from the Mall....or as I call it the gigantic waste of space that should be a golf course...a school....anything but a crappy Kmart. Can you imagine a Mall that doesn't have an arcade...wait, neither does Hamilton Place. Where can a guy get some Galaga in........Id would love to play some Mortal Combat.
Two girls are sitting across from me talking about guys. Guess what, they are bitching. From what I understand, Girl #1 is upset because her man hates Grey's Anatomy and wants to watch football all weekend. Do I need to comment on that? She's not my type anyway. Girl #2 is upset because her sweetie brought her flowers, chocolates, and a DVD for her anniversary. Excuse me, but it's a down economy...I see no ring of any kind. She should be thankful. Of course, I would have taken my girlfriend of two weeks to Hawaii first class. Question though, what did she get him? I know what he wanted....bet he didn't get it.
Ok...you cannot eat a breadbowl with a plastic fork......I think Ill just start carrying silverware around. damn it.....I can't hear a thing right now and a buzzer went off at the next table. They should swap out pacemakers for these things.
Uh oh....just spotted a dude use his water cup and put coke in it.....should I rat him out. Nah, he deserves it. He's gotta try and get thru that breadbowl.....
Have a good day to all. If you read these, I appreciate it and any feedback...good or bad is welcome....just make it good.
Clayyyy
Ive been at Panera Bread all morning. It's a million voices all at once....and those annoying vibrating things that signal your food is ready.......I jump everytime those things go off. Luckily, the head phones are on and I need a boost.....Beethoven's Ninth....."Choir Version of Ode to Joy." Can you believe this guy composed this song by cutting the legs off a piano so he could feel the vibrations? That is genius.....and it's no one has ever come close. Mozart was a punk.
Anyway, to my left is a group of older gentlemen that seem to come here often. From what I have overheard they are discussing the end of the world. I don't see a Mayan Calendar, but they are discussing something they saw on the Bible channel. Is it me, or should the Bible channel (or whatever it is called) have like more uplifting stuff in it's programming. They are intense about it. Another thing....if I was getting coffee on my AARP card, which I will.....well scratch that......I would be discussing anything but the end of the world. Hell, it's coming for them anyway. Don't rush it pal.
Two other elderly gentlemen just about put me to sleep. Let me give you the conversation and try to stay awake. "Uh, gas went up again Earl...yep, 14 cents overnight." "Yeah, Im getting my oil changed next week, think Im gonna try that synthetic oil this time." "Hey, it's 11, the coffee just got changed out, it's fresh. I'm gonna get a cup." Please, put a pillow over my head and push till I don't fight anymore if i know when the coffee is gonna be fresh at Panera...please.
It's funny, but if my Grandfather was alive, this would be Mecca for him, so I shouldn't make too much fun.
If you are a moron, please stay away from me. I cannot help you. some idiot came up to me and asked me if I could help him jump his car off. No problem. I grab my cables and ask him where his car is. Im at Panera in Cleveland.....Paul Huff Parkway.....across from the Mall....or as I call it the gigantic waste of space that should be a golf course...a school....anything but a crappy Kmart. Can you imagine a Mall that doesn't have an arcade...wait, neither does Hamilton Place. Where can a guy get some Galaga in........Id would love to play some Mortal Combat.
Two girls are sitting across from me talking about guys. Guess what, they are bitching. From what I understand, Girl #1 is upset because her man hates Grey's Anatomy and wants to watch football all weekend. Do I need to comment on that? She's not my type anyway. Girl #2 is upset because her sweetie brought her flowers, chocolates, and a DVD for her anniversary. Excuse me, but it's a down economy...I see no ring of any kind. She should be thankful. Of course, I would have taken my girlfriend of two weeks to Hawaii first class. Question though, what did she get him? I know what he wanted....bet he didn't get it.
Ok...you cannot eat a breadbowl with a plastic fork......I think Ill just start carrying silverware around. damn it.....I can't hear a thing right now and a buzzer went off at the next table. They should swap out pacemakers for these things.
Uh oh....just spotted a dude use his water cup and put coke in it.....should I rat him out. Nah, he deserves it. He's gotta try and get thru that breadbowl.....
Have a good day to all. If you read these, I appreciate it and any feedback...good or bad is welcome....just make it good.
Clayyyy
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
First Date Part Deux!!!
Ok...so I've now been on a date thanks to a singles site. I met (online) a very nice girl name Leah last night. We chatted for what seems like hours and after determining that neither one of us were serial killers, we decided to go out this afternoon.
I was under the impression that taking a girl to a movie was not a good call on a first date...or at least that was the advice I was given. Well, that's not entirely true. Leah wanted to see a scary movie and "The Stepfather"was the best I could find. I didn't like it as much as the original, but I was entertained.
Of course the real story is just trying to to get through these first dates. This makes the second one I have been on fairly recently, and I think I'm getting a little bit better. We met at the Rave and everything went good. About halfway thru I made my big move. Yeah, I reached over and we held hands. I know....Im a stud.
Any attempt for me to do anything is bound to end up in some sort of disaster. This time, after getting gas, I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. We ended up at the Mall and walked around. I even did some shopping....not for me...but I was looking at women's handbags for a little bit. Thank GOD, she did not ask me my opinion because they all looked bad to me. How does a woman select a bag anyway. I understand that it is an accessory and all....sure, match the bag with what you're wearing, but as I take a look around, I notice that's not necessarily the main option. Is it a status thing? Who knows? My wallet, when not lost, just goes in my pocket. Girls....forget the Rosetta Stone or the Holy Grail, women are the greatest mystery of all time.
After shopping, we headed to Chili's for a very nice lunch. Leah and I have quite a bit in common. She's been thru the ringer pretty good and is sweet as soda pop (Rocky Top reference) and was very sweet as I got quite embarrassed for losing my wallet. Nope, I did not have to wash dishes, but I just went back with my money. Should I get one of those chains that go from your wallet to your beltloop. Would that give me some Testosterone points? Im telling you, if things don't go well, Im getting a Harley...and ADIOS!!!
The best martini's by the way are the ones that a bartender chills the glass.....uses a very high grade of Vodka (Belvedere is the best, but Stoli or the Goose work as well) makes it dirty as hell and loads it up with olives. Piss on that Cosmopolitan crap. Sour Apple? James Bond would vomit all over his Versace tuxedo. Just my opinion though. But, I digress.
Leah told me that she would like to see me again. Of course, she was probably being nice, but I will take it. Kind of like my serve in tennis or my jumper in basketball...as with dating, both are getting better....sharper, and more likely to find it's mark.
Going to Birmingham tomorrow to see a big bad Brain doctor...He will probably look at it and just laugh. Either way, I will have a good idea of what lies next soon. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
Love to all,
Clayyyyyy
I was under the impression that taking a girl to a movie was not a good call on a first date...or at least that was the advice I was given. Well, that's not entirely true. Leah wanted to see a scary movie and "The Stepfather"was the best I could find. I didn't like it as much as the original, but I was entertained.
Of course the real story is just trying to to get through these first dates. This makes the second one I have been on fairly recently, and I think I'm getting a little bit better. We met at the Rave and everything went good. About halfway thru I made my big move. Yeah, I reached over and we held hands. I know....Im a stud.
Any attempt for me to do anything is bound to end up in some sort of disaster. This time, after getting gas, I left my wallet on top of the gas pump. We ended up at the Mall and walked around. I even did some shopping....not for me...but I was looking at women's handbags for a little bit. Thank GOD, she did not ask me my opinion because they all looked bad to me. How does a woman select a bag anyway. I understand that it is an accessory and all....sure, match the bag with what you're wearing, but as I take a look around, I notice that's not necessarily the main option. Is it a status thing? Who knows? My wallet, when not lost, just goes in my pocket. Girls....forget the Rosetta Stone or the Holy Grail, women are the greatest mystery of all time.
After shopping, we headed to Chili's for a very nice lunch. Leah and I have quite a bit in common. She's been thru the ringer pretty good and is sweet as soda pop (Rocky Top reference) and was very sweet as I got quite embarrassed for losing my wallet. Nope, I did not have to wash dishes, but I just went back with my money. Should I get one of those chains that go from your wallet to your beltloop. Would that give me some Testosterone points? Im telling you, if things don't go well, Im getting a Harley...and ADIOS!!!
The best martini's by the way are the ones that a bartender chills the glass.....uses a very high grade of Vodka (Belvedere is the best, but Stoli or the Goose work as well) makes it dirty as hell and loads it up with olives. Piss on that Cosmopolitan crap. Sour Apple? James Bond would vomit all over his Versace tuxedo. Just my opinion though. But, I digress.
Leah told me that she would like to see me again. Of course, she was probably being nice, but I will take it. Kind of like my serve in tennis or my jumper in basketball...as with dating, both are getting better....sharper, and more likely to find it's mark.
Going to Birmingham tomorrow to see a big bad Brain doctor...He will probably look at it and just laugh. Either way, I will have a good idea of what lies next soon. Wish me luck.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
Love to all,
Clayyyyyy
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Dentist Office
If I have to tell one more person that I got my teeth knocked out by a golf ball....well........it is funny. I'd laugh.
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Those poor dental assistants were so sweet today, but Im sure I made their Top 10 all time. The dentist was nonplussed. Im sure he's seen it all. Anyway, it was an interesting day.
Id rather clean toilets at a rest stop than go thru Dental hell. I had 5 people with their hands in my mouth at one time or another today. Am I a porn star? No, Im not equipped that way, but the taste of latex in your grill is so bad.
Of course I get the assistant that can't operate the little vacuum cleaner thing right. I nearly lost my tongue twice. You can't say anything because the dentist is in elbow deep in your mouth. Suck Suckerson. I really shouldn't complain, it only cost me $2180....I didn't even get a toothbrush. Hell, my kid gets a toothbrush. I should have gotten one gold plated for that kind of moolah.
At any rate, I no longer look like a rabid beaver. They did a great job. It feels a little funny, but that's ok. The new thing with dentistry is "Sedation Dentistry." Well, besides the invention of woman, this was up there. I get to my appt at 1215 and these nice ladies give me three pills. I scoff at these things. I don't sedate easily...and I tried to tell them. They were so confident Id pass out in my own drool, but it didnt happen. By 2, I was still very alert......so they just kept giving me these things. Nine total. Something called Tegretol....or something.
Well, nine did it. I has to be woken up in the dentists chair 2 hours later. They were like..."Mr. Chavis, are you OK?" My response was..."give me a pillow" I never knew what they were doing. They could have stripped me naked and took pictures (doubtful though) I woke up with a brand new set of toofers. It only took 5 hours to handle it.
Im very happy to be able to be seen in public again. I can't whistle as well as when I was a Clampett, but those are the breaks. No, unless you saw it yourself I did not take any pictures. Sorry.
Im really looking forward to this weekend......Im going to go see a movie tomorrow afternoon....then my favorite pastime (cold beer and something to read) Saturday, is football of course....and Im going to a big Chili cookoff Sunday. Man, Im going to tear it up.
My sadistic side wishes Bonnie was still around because Im going to raise the threat level to Orange after all that. Oh....I forgot. Poor Willie. Well, he farts on me all the time, so tough titty. The cookoff is at 11-4 and it's for a good cause. Check it out. Just don't stand close to me.
Love to all,
Dr. Clayton
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Update time....
Yes, the life and times of Clay....so interesting I know, but it's 240am and Im bored and wide ass awake (go figure)
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
So, let's chat.
I spent three days in the hospital last weekend due to being assaulted by a Top Flite golf ball. What the hell man? Talk about a perfect storm. Here is a microcosm of my world. I get a hair up my bum to go play golf Sunday afternoon. It was a nice day, I know a guy that lets me play for free sometimes and Ive been swinging pretty good lately. I actually broke 90 two weeks ago. So, I drive to Harrison bay...load up and tee it up.
Yall remember "Road Runner" cartoons....that kinda sums it up. Im Wile E. Coyote though. Im on the third hole....after I yanked one left and am standing over my ball in the woods trying to figure out if I can do anything put pick the damn thing up and throw it out in the fairway...when BOOOOOOM. My initial thought was that sniper fire and rang out and some girl that I screwed over had finally gotten their revenge...no. Some idiot hit a little white ball exactly into my grill. Yeah....I went down like "Glass Joe." Next thing I remember, Im laying in the woods staring up at the sky.
Initial reaction....was something like this....anyone who knows me knows this is EXACTLY what i would do. I got up.....stumbled to my golf cart, and was enroute to stick my driver up somebody's ass. But, before I could even turn the cart around, I look down and notice that my shirt is bloody....upon further inspection, my front tooth is GONE. The other front tooth's crown was loose and I had bitten my tongue.
Ok, what to do? It had not struck me yet that I had my bell rung at all.....I go back to where I was and start looking for teeth. Don't ask. Needless to say, either I could not find it...or I shall "pass" it soon.
Anyway, I go to hospital via ambulance and I have a concussion. The rest is just a hot mess. Concusssions suck. My head feels like I shot an entire bottle of Patron with a straw, backed up with lighter fluid and Ive turned my apartment into something Howard Hughes would like. My eyes ACHE in the light right now. Of course, the swelling will go down, but ouchy. I have a newfound respect for Tim Tebow. A buddy told me today that he's had five of these things. Im good with one...thanks.
Ive had a splinter the size of a ball bat lodged in my butt once....I got bit in the face by a german shepard. I tore my right finger off on a trampoline.....Im the only person I know that's had Scarlet Fever.....and my personal favorite is when broke my nose attempting to impress a girl by jumping over a tennis net. These are the reasons I stay away from the lottery...and don't go out when it's lightning.
Music tonight......right now. Bob Marley. If you don't know Bob, shame on you. What a terrific soul...and lyrics. Truly a poet.
Got some good news today....Ive been hired to tutor the youth of today. Yep, I will be going into some public schools (Alton Park and Brainerd) and teaching English and helping with those that have problems writing. Im looking forward to taking the car topper off my car and not worrying about being robbed for a Meat Lovers and some Wings. Sheesh. I know what you're thinking. "Clay Chavis influencing young minds?" That's some scary shit, right. Don't fret my pets, Im not teaching anyone about money, women, or Math. The kids should be safe.
I was unable to get to that follow up date Sunday night. Can you imagine? "Uh, Im sorry I stood you up. I got hit in the face with a golf ball" She was very understanding. Im very amused that some of you...and you know who you are...are guessing who the mystery lady is. Well, here are some hints. Besides, being a Facebook pal, she was a cheerleader.....a UT fan....and is very athletic. Ill buy lunch to the first person to guess.
Poor Willie. He was here for 3 days without me. He won't leave my side now. I think he can tell I don't feel very well. He's so sweet. He jumped in the shower this morning. Dumb ass....I went ahead and gave him a bath at that point. I bet he won't do that again. Of course, Ive been cleaning poop since I got home, but that's OK. Im just glad he's OK. Some very special people came by and made sure he had food and water while I was incapacitated. He's licking my foot right now....Stop it.
Things are about to change for me....drastically. Not sure yet, but I think something radical is coming up. Im really sorry, but Im just not cut out for this "just getting older" thing. Maybe Ill sell my car....and everything I own....and get a Harley. Damn it...I don't know how to ride.
If I could be anyone in the world.....fictionally that is. I would be a combination of "Hank Moody" from Californication and Larry David from "Curb your Enthusiasm" I like their style. Of course, it would be cool to be a Vampire too, but not one of those pussy vampires from the "Twilight" books or those pansies from "True Blood." I'd be and old school bad ass. You know....seduce women..and then turn into a bat. Talk about a great way to get out of a relationship. I don't know many ladies that want to date a bat.
Ok....single sites are crap. Ive seen my matches from Match.com. Uh....I don't think so.
To those that I have offended the past few days.......up yours. Ive been apologizing for my behavior forever. Im done with that. What you see is what your gonna get. Im going to tell it like it is. I don't know why I allowed myself to become this weakling, but that stops now. It does me no good to act like a good boy. Im just not. Im an ass, but in my defense, I acknowledge it. So, if I see you and you put on a show.....Im gonna bust your ass...and after Im done, you would probably rather I had just kicked you in the groin because my tongue is as sharp as a sword. Let this be a warning. Again, you know who you are.
I havent spoken of football in a while, so let me summarize briefly. Alabama is awesome. We will kill UT. Talk about roadkill. My Cowboys suck and I hate Tony Blowmo. That's it.
Emmamonster will be here for Halloween. She will be nine, but I told her she could dress up if she wants. I know Im going to. Watch out...Ill steal your candy.
Ive got a lot more, but I know for a fact that everything in moderation. Oh...the weight count is 61 pounds lost. I have found it's not quite so bad to see myself naked. I need a tan though. Think on that!!!
Love to those who love, the rest. Fish heads to all of you.
Ta ta,
Clavis
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Date Story...for real
So, a Rabbi walks into a bar.....
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
First of all, I must say that this is what I hope of many first dates. I had a long term girlfriend in high school...had a long relationship after high school...then got married...then got divorced, but right back into a long relationship. SO, for all practical purposes, I have not been single since George Bush SENIOR was in office....or maybe Reagan. SO, wish me luck. Im going to have a lot of fun. I get down to my playing weight....look out.
Ok....so Im at Pint Night at Fox and Hound this past Tuesday. I was sitting in the back with my customary "snakebite." Its a mixture of Woodchuck Cider and Bass Ale for those not in the know. Try it. It will cure what ails you. Ive got my head in a magazine and my laptop is humming close by just in case I miss a Facebook "status" or Jonathan Crompton just threw another interception. Sorry, that was mean.
It's not totally uncommon to see someone you know at Fox and Hound. Hell, where else you gonna go? I wore glasses and a hat...not shaven either, so I was not planning on chatting anyone up. That's when it happens...every single fucking time. **Its my blog, so I can cuss**
I cannot believe who it is. I had the biggest crush on this girl. I mean it was an epic crush. She went to Cleveland and is younger than me...but not by much. Blue eyes....pretty smile...and to quote Axel Rose "her hair reminded me of a warm safe place where as a child I would hide.........Yes, corny, but who in the hell gets a second chance at glory....right? So, I make the perfunctory glances around to do some recon. Ok....no wedding ring. No boyfriend in sight. She's drinking a beer....Well, I couldn't think of a better opportunity to try.
So, I introduce myself and to my pleasure she recogonized me. Lots of questions followed and all that and we hung out for about an hour, but I had to get home. I asked for her phone number and we decided we would hang out Sunday. I told her Id call her Friday.
I call her up Friday about 6......dissuading the many opinions that were given to me. Most of the guys told me to wait days...up to 7. Sorry, I don't have that kind of patience. I was fortunate not to call her at lunch. Impatience=Impulsivity
We made some small talk and I could tell that I was drowning fast so I threw a change up. I said, "hey, all we are doing is sitting here on a Friday night, let's go have a drink." Expecting, "nah, Im in my pajama pants (get it) and Gilmore Girls is on (get it) she said, Ok, where?
Of all the things out of my mouth I said....Bowling. Even Willie covered his eyes with his ears. I could hear all my coolness wheez out of my butt....but no. She said,
yeah, we can get a beer and hang out...and I can kick your ass." Oh, be still my heart
As I left the house, I just wanted to make sure I had socks...socks..socks.....socks....Ok...she beat me to the place, has her shoes, has paid for the game, and is measuring the weight of which ball she's gonna whip me at. Im starting to think....."I know I played sports with this girl some, but I don't remember torturing her like others" Anywhoo, I scored a respectable 111 (for me) She scored 120. I hate losing...so friggin much. I nearly lost my concentration on the reason I was there, but I regained my exposure, bought the giant pretzels as that was the agreed upon wager, and got back in the game.
She had a lot to say. Which is good I think. I mainly acted like a reporter...asking open ended questions like.."Oh, and what did you think about that" or "Tell me about that other thing" I was in no hurry to chat. Im always cognizant of conversations steering themselves my way. My sister will tell you. You just want to jump ship.
Finally, i came up and I brought the big guns. Yep, a picture of Emma. No two ways about it, I will have no problem using my child's beauty when I need to. She gets stuff from me. I jest, but when this fabulous, independent, beautiful woman said..."She's very pretty, and so cute...just like her Daddy." At that point, I was like the Australian Rules Football guy....you know the one that stands there for a second and then points two fingers straight out. TOUCHDOWN.
After 2 beers and another pretzel, we left. I walked her to her car...and we leaned against opposite cars for a little while. We were having that weird chat....i made some bad jokes and finally she goes.."well, I gotta go home, are you going to kiss me or what?" I love 2009. I said, "yes, mam" took a big gulp and laid one on her. I have pretty big lips, so I don't do a lot of tongue stuff, but we were on the same page.
The best part, that UNBELIEVABLE feeling you get when you first kiss someone....It's alive and well people. Make your knees buckle. She gave me a follow up peck on the cheek and I will see her Sunday.
Ive sat on my hump all day glistening in the glory. Who could blame me? You? Screw you!
By the way, this entire story was fiction.........
nah.
love yall!!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
I am surrounded by youth and energy....
I’m in my thirties, I am divorced, and have an 8 year old little girl named Emma. I came back to school to settle an old score you could say. My point being is that as I walk among you, my mind is filled with questions about what is it like to be 18 again.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m the guy that sits in the front of the class, with hand up. Always the guy who has to bother the Professor about something. Yeah, I think that too. I can’t stand those guys either, but I’m in the back.
The perspective of an “adult” student is really about different things. I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel as I have something to prove. I wonder how an undergrad in their 20’s feel s about that. I just think yall are having fun…a lot of fun.
As the first weeks of class gets cranked up and the weather starts to turn (ever so slowly), maybe take a look around and wonder what all that student has going on. Being a college student is hard I have learned. We are almost all poor, we have to get up in the morning, and the food in the UC is, well Ok.
There is more though. I want to give a shout out to all of us that are working full or part time jobs, juggling kids or marriages. I want to holler out for those might be like me and feel out of place. Like an alien.
Hey, every student I have come across or dealt with has been great, and I have no worries. The thing is that their doesn’t seem to be niche for us. Perhaps, we could pull together and start a fraternity. Oh, I forgot. My daughter has tap class those nights.
I’m not one of those people that complain about “today’s youth.”
Hey, I’m cool. I voted for Obama and believe this world needs to be fixed. I think that my only advantage over my peers that walk by me in halls is that I have gained years. It’s kinda like a time machine at UTC for me. I’m not wise, but have wisdom. You can’t get older without gaining experience, and experience leads to knowledge.
Knowledge some of you don’t have yet. I’m only talking about roofing your house and stuff, but you get my point. Hey, I really should be quiet. I get told I look a lot younger. I think it is because I moisturize, or perhaps the tea tree shampoo.
To all my classmates, I look forward to this chapter in my life. I got to bring my kid to UTC this summer to see “Daddy’s school.” I was proud that she was impressed. I am proud to be here.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m the guy that sits in the front of the class, with hand up. Always the guy who has to bother the Professor about something. Yeah, I think that too. I can’t stand those guys either, but I’m in the back.
The perspective of an “adult” student is really about different things. I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel as I have something to prove. I wonder how an undergrad in their 20’s feel s about that. I just think yall are having fun…a lot of fun.
As the first weeks of class gets cranked up and the weather starts to turn (ever so slowly), maybe take a look around and wonder what all that student has going on. Being a college student is hard I have learned. We are almost all poor, we have to get up in the morning, and the food in the UC is, well Ok.
There is more though. I want to give a shout out to all of us that are working full or part time jobs, juggling kids or marriages. I want to holler out for those might be like me and feel out of place. Like an alien.
Hey, every student I have come across or dealt with has been great, and I have no worries. The thing is that their doesn’t seem to be niche for us. Perhaps, we could pull together and start a fraternity. Oh, I forgot. My daughter has tap class those nights.
I’m not one of those people that complain about “today’s youth.”
Hey, I’m cool. I voted for Obama and believe this world needs to be fixed. I think that my only advantage over my peers that walk by me in halls is that I have gained years. It’s kinda like a time machine at UTC for me. I’m not wise, but have wisdom. You can’t get older without gaining experience, and experience leads to knowledge.
Knowledge some of you don’t have yet. I’m only talking about roofing your house and stuff, but you get my point. Hey, I really should be quiet. I get told I look a lot younger. I think it is because I moisturize, or perhaps the tea tree shampoo.
To all my classmates, I look forward to this chapter in my life. I got to bring my kid to UTC this summer to see “Daddy’s school.” I was proud that she was impressed. I am proud to be here.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Just hours away now....
"Old man take a look at my life, I'm a lot like you." "Love lost such a cost, give me things that won't get lost."- Neil Young
The hardest thing in the world to do is to try not to cry. Go ahead. You know what I mean. Something sad is happening, maybe a funeral. Whatever. You are trying to do all you can to hold back tears, but they flow down the side of your cheek nonetheless. My personal Kryptonite is to hear "Amazing Grace" played on the backpipes. Niagara Falls everytime.
See, I'm a cryer, and I just lost it out on the back porch a few minutes ago. Emma's departure is just hours away and I really am not ready for it at all. I'm a hot mess. She was hollering for me a few minutes ago while in the shower. She had a huge knot in her hair and it just would not come out. By the time I got to here, she was yelling, "Daddy, I want to cut it all off." So, I asked her for the conditioner and she told me "I used it all Daddy, it's all gone, please cut it off." So, I jumped into the shower with her with my hairbrush and together we pulled and strained to get that knot out. I was lost....I was thinking that my next step would be peanut butter or mayonaise. What do I know about girl's hair? Finally, the knot came loose and the patient survived. Im pretty sure Emma's scalp will be sore for a while, but them's the breaks.
When Emma leaves, I'm going to be so alone, or at least it's gonna feel that way. I know how this dance goes. Ill spend the entire day in the bed, and probably the whole night as well. My thought process will be something like...."Did she have fun?" "Did I do enough to make her happy" "Will she miss me?" "Will she want to come back next year?" "Does she love me?"
Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid questions, but Im pretty stupid. Life is so cruel. Why must I lose so much? Why do I have to feel such absolute pain? It's not fair. The only thing I can take from it is that I appreciate what I have more now than then, but it is a sickening feeling to say goodbye to my child. The thought of food makes me want to Ralph all over my desk.
Am I a good father? Am I? How will I ever know? Right now, I feel like a failure. It's been a good summer, but I can't remember anything. All I can foresee is handing Emma back to her Mom and the uncertainty that will follow. Hence, the fact that Im listening to Neil Young.
Talk to yall later.
Clay
The hardest thing in the world to do is to try not to cry. Go ahead. You know what I mean. Something sad is happening, maybe a funeral. Whatever. You are trying to do all you can to hold back tears, but they flow down the side of your cheek nonetheless. My personal Kryptonite is to hear "Amazing Grace" played on the backpipes. Niagara Falls everytime.
See, I'm a cryer, and I just lost it out on the back porch a few minutes ago. Emma's departure is just hours away and I really am not ready for it at all. I'm a hot mess. She was hollering for me a few minutes ago while in the shower. She had a huge knot in her hair and it just would not come out. By the time I got to here, she was yelling, "Daddy, I want to cut it all off." So, I asked her for the conditioner and she told me "I used it all Daddy, it's all gone, please cut it off." So, I jumped into the shower with her with my hairbrush and together we pulled and strained to get that knot out. I was lost....I was thinking that my next step would be peanut butter or mayonaise. What do I know about girl's hair? Finally, the knot came loose and the patient survived. Im pretty sure Emma's scalp will be sore for a while, but them's the breaks.
When Emma leaves, I'm going to be so alone, or at least it's gonna feel that way. I know how this dance goes. Ill spend the entire day in the bed, and probably the whole night as well. My thought process will be something like...."Did she have fun?" "Did I do enough to make her happy" "Will she miss me?" "Will she want to come back next year?" "Does she love me?"
Yeah, I know. Pretty stupid questions, but Im pretty stupid. Life is so cruel. Why must I lose so much? Why do I have to feel such absolute pain? It's not fair. The only thing I can take from it is that I appreciate what I have more now than then, but it is a sickening feeling to say goodbye to my child. The thought of food makes me want to Ralph all over my desk.
Am I a good father? Am I? How will I ever know? Right now, I feel like a failure. It's been a good summer, but I can't remember anything. All I can foresee is handing Emma back to her Mom and the uncertainty that will follow. Hence, the fact that Im listening to Neil Young.
Talk to yall later.
Clay
Monday, August 3, 2009
First Dates are special....
Hey folks. I went on my first date since my break-up and I think it went pretty well. Here, I'll tell you about it, and we will see.
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
Technically, this is the first date-date I have been on since 1995. See, I met my ex-wife Debbie in September of 1995. We dated, got engaged, then married...and finally divorced in March of 2004. In May of 2005, I met Bonnie and we hit it off and we were practically inseparable until 3 weeks ago, when she broke up with me. So, it's been 14 years since I've had a real first date. Bonnie and I just found each other, had a whirlwind romance, and ended up living together. It was love at lightspeed, if you will.
Anywhooo. To protect the innocent, Im not going to name names or get into whether I'm on the rebound or not. I felt like asking this girl out, and wanted to go to dinner and a movie. No strings attached. Just dinner and a movie. The last thing I am looking for right now is to get into a relationship. Im still raw and miss Bonnie, so I need to be careful. But, hey....Im just 35, and even though Im tough to deal with, I have a lot to offer. Why not??
First dates are always so complicated. I had to summon up the courage to ask this young lady (she's younger than me) out on a date, and not look stupid or desperate at the same time. I wanted her to relax and have a good time. I wanted to avoid serious conversations and awkward moments or course, but I wanted to feel loose enough to be my charming self (Im so full of shit). My number one goal was to make her laugh. After that was accomplished, I figured it would be like riding a bike.
When I called her up Friday and she said she was go, I asked her if she would like to check out a flick, and maybe dinner before, or coffee afterwards. Even though the last time I did this, Bill Clinton was our President, I still felt this was a safe choice and I would be able to avoid total disaster.
So, I ironed my shirt, combed my hair, and even put on a little cologne. I must admit, I was so nervous. She let me know that she would meet me at the theatre and wanted to know what I wanted to see. I decided to bypass the usual summer fare of watching crap blow up and chose "The Proposal." I have a man-crush on Ryan Reynolds and thought that since it was a Rom-Com that it would be ok. I figured it would make me look sensitive, and she might be impressed. (Let's just call her Jennifer from here on out)
It turns out that Jennifer also has a crush on the aforementioned Reynolds, so I was off to a good start. When we met at the theatre, I was surprised to see how pretty she was. I mean, I knew she was cute, but when girls get all done up, it can be a different story. She was wearing a summer dress with no sleeves and had her hair up in a pony tail. She was very tan and had the most pretty hazel eyes. Even though she tried, I insisted on paying for the tickets. I didn't want to be boorish by it, but I still think that a guy should pay for date stuff, especially the first one. Jennifer passed on anything from the concession stand, and I was smart enough not to sneak anything into the theatre (which I normarly do. You would be amazed at the amount of crap I can get into some cargo shorts.)
Like me, she enjoys watching the previews and follows all the "Clay rules" for watching a movie. Fortunately, the theatre was nearly empty...it being a Monday night and all. We chatted a little bit right before the credits started, but I could tell that she was comfortable sitting besides me, and from what I knew about her. She liked me already.
The movie was OK. Im not a big Sandra Bullock fan, but the movie had a few chuckles in it. I was quite content on just enjoying seeing Ryan Reynolds shirtless (twice) and was relaxing, and then it happened.
Jennifer reached over and held my hand. My first reaction was as if a dead body had just grabbed me. I instantly jerked away and could feel my mouth go dry as a desert in an instant. I looked over at her and I could tell she was confused...and 5 seconds away from being hurt. What I did next was pretty smooth. I shifted slightly to my left....leaned in and kissed her on her forehead while sliding my hand under her's. The rest of the movie was a bit of a blur. We kinda cuddled (she said that she was cold) and I was happy to know that I was not a freak. To be honest, I have felt pretty gross lately.
After the movie ended, it was nearly 930. Jennifer was willing to go to Barnes and Noble and have coffee, but I could tell that it was time to go home. We kinda stammered through the good-byes, and promised that we would get together again soon. On the way home, she texted me that she had a good night. I am STEVE MCQUEEN!!!!!
I feel pretty good about things all things considered. I have a job. I don't have a lot of friends, but the ones that I have are very loyal to me. I start school in just a few short weeks and am looking forward to the new adventures that lay before me. I believe in my heart now that I can write for a living. I think that with more training and experience that I will be able to take my thoughts, write about them, and people might pay to actually read it. Who knew? I will never be rich. I will never be famous. I may always be known for what I have done in the past, but the future shines brighter than the dull gray of my past.
Emma leaves Saturday. I hate that more than anything in the world. I'm pretty sure everyone knows what kind of affect that will have on me, but I can take it. She loves me more than anything, and knowing that is so powerful. I will miss her so....but she will be back....and back again. There is nothing like the love from a father. Emma is my rock.
Goodnight everyone.......Oh, I almost forgot. The part about the date was purely fiction. Was it any good??? hee hee
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Some things I can still do....but not as well.
Hello everyone. I wanted to get back to putting my thoughts on paper again, so please excuse the fact that I'm rusty and might not be able to be very clear.
Tonight was a milestone of sorts for me. I went roller skating with the Emmamonster and her friend Austin. Why is it a milestone? Well, although this occasion is not as dear as watching Emma take her first steps, it's still cool to do something with your kid for the first time. The problem is that I have not strapped wheels onto these footsies since circa 1986. I was not to be deterred by being a fatty, the blisters, or the fact that I was surrounded by kids flying by me at 60 mph. Emma needed to see her Daddy look cool, and I was bound to accomplish this feat.
Is it cool to end up ass over elbows with your t-shirt over your head flopping on the floor like a gasping fish? How about having your kid nearly snot herself from laughing so hard at you? How about crashing into a 14 year old young man and nearly decapitating an elderly couple enjoying a slow song? Yeah, I was the embodiment of cool. I was the "Fonz." James Bond on skates.
Tomorrow, Emma, Austin, and I are going to give bowling a shot. Yeah, for some reason it seems that to please my child, I must participate in some sort of activity that will make me look like a moron. Although it would seem that I have the perfect body (beer belly, bad clothes) for bowling, I do not have the gift to make the 3-10 split, or whatever it is called. It's the only sport that I know of that I don't even know how keep score. Thankfully, they have computers now that do it for you. I very seldomly mix math with pleasure. All that as it is, I find it so interesting to see Emma light up whenever she beats her old man at something. She spent three days last week telling everyone..."Hi, I'm Emma, I beat my Daddy at air hockey three times in a row!"
The really bizarre thing is that I don't mind taking a dive every now and then to make her happy. I am sure this is probably strange for some of you to understand, but there were no gimmies for me when I was growing up. It was the same for Stephanie as well. Although I was nearly 12 years older and twice her size, I would never let her win. Not one time.
**There has been some debate in recent years that Stephanie beat me in a game of horse at one point, but I don't recall it. Further, there are no witnesses available to back her story...and all video footage was taken by robbers. Thus, my career unbeaten streak still stands.**
My point is that I should have let Steph win...especially when she was 8. Emma really enjoys me wallow in defeat. I just want to give her a smackdown in UNO and then talk junk, but that's just not nice. Shoot, when I found out Emma's favorite color was friggin Orange and that she wanted to be a cheerleader, I was able to summon the strength and say...."Whatever makes you happy, baby." Honestly though, I was thinking about how much I would have liked to see her play ball or swing a tennis racquet. It would be cool to help teach her what I do know about sports, but my role might be all together different. BUT>>> I draw the line if she wants to be the mascot, and wants to go to Tennessee for college.
I've just got days till Emma goes back to South Carolina. I am not looking forward to that at all. If anyone wants to show pity on me and take me to a movie or lunch after August 8th, I will humbly accept all charity. ha.
Good night everyone.
Tonight was a milestone of sorts for me. I went roller skating with the Emmamonster and her friend Austin. Why is it a milestone? Well, although this occasion is not as dear as watching Emma take her first steps, it's still cool to do something with your kid for the first time. The problem is that I have not strapped wheels onto these footsies since circa 1986. I was not to be deterred by being a fatty, the blisters, or the fact that I was surrounded by kids flying by me at 60 mph. Emma needed to see her Daddy look cool, and I was bound to accomplish this feat.
Is it cool to end up ass over elbows with your t-shirt over your head flopping on the floor like a gasping fish? How about having your kid nearly snot herself from laughing so hard at you? How about crashing into a 14 year old young man and nearly decapitating an elderly couple enjoying a slow song? Yeah, I was the embodiment of cool. I was the "Fonz." James Bond on skates.
Tomorrow, Emma, Austin, and I are going to give bowling a shot. Yeah, for some reason it seems that to please my child, I must participate in some sort of activity that will make me look like a moron. Although it would seem that I have the perfect body (beer belly, bad clothes) for bowling, I do not have the gift to make the 3-10 split, or whatever it is called. It's the only sport that I know of that I don't even know how keep score. Thankfully, they have computers now that do it for you. I very seldomly mix math with pleasure. All that as it is, I find it so interesting to see Emma light up whenever she beats her old man at something. She spent three days last week telling everyone..."Hi, I'm Emma, I beat my Daddy at air hockey three times in a row!"
The really bizarre thing is that I don't mind taking a dive every now and then to make her happy. I am sure this is probably strange for some of you to understand, but there were no gimmies for me when I was growing up. It was the same for Stephanie as well. Although I was nearly 12 years older and twice her size, I would never let her win. Not one time.
**There has been some debate in recent years that Stephanie beat me in a game of horse at one point, but I don't recall it. Further, there are no witnesses available to back her story...and all video footage was taken by robbers. Thus, my career unbeaten streak still stands.**
My point is that I should have let Steph win...especially when she was 8. Emma really enjoys me wallow in defeat. I just want to give her a smackdown in UNO and then talk junk, but that's just not nice. Shoot, when I found out Emma's favorite color was friggin Orange and that she wanted to be a cheerleader, I was able to summon the strength and say...."Whatever makes you happy, baby." Honestly though, I was thinking about how much I would have liked to see her play ball or swing a tennis racquet. It would be cool to help teach her what I do know about sports, but my role might be all together different. BUT>>> I draw the line if she wants to be the mascot, and wants to go to Tennessee for college.
I've just got days till Emma goes back to South Carolina. I am not looking forward to that at all. If anyone wants to show pity on me and take me to a movie or lunch after August 8th, I will humbly accept all charity. ha.
Good night everyone.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
UTC scrimmage article
Last Saturday, with dark clouds everywhere and a brisk wind, the 2009 UTC football team held there first scrimmage under the watchful eye of new Head Coach Russ Huesman. This would mark the first opportunity the new boss would see how his players would react when the pads started popping.
After last year’s disappointing season which just managed one win. Huesman’s arrival in Chattanooga has created a buzz that has been lacking. Coach Huesman is a former UTC defensive back himself and hopes to revive a football program that has been dormant for far too long. Most recently, Huesman was the defensive coordinator for the Richmond Spiders, who played for the Division II title game here in December.
Huesman is easy to locate on the field. He looked over drills before the start of the scrimmage while looping his whistle anxiously, awaiting a chance to correct a mistake. The Mocs imitated their leader’s intensity by hustling from station to station.
According to the new boss, the first scrimmage was a success. “I was a cheerleader for most of the day, it was a lot of fun,” said Huesman. “Overall, I am pleased with the effort.” Huesman also commented on the progress so far during spring practices. “We are probably where we should be right now.”
Senior quarterback Jare Gault led the way by completing 10 of 16 for 150 yards and three touchdowns. For the first time this season, Gault was playing in real game situations. Gault was efficient and remarkably accurate throwing the ball downfield. In the shotgun most of the time, Gault was confident with his throws and seemed comfortable with the new system.
On the receiving end of four of those passes was junior Chris Pitchford, who totaled 85 yards and two touchdowns. Pitchford got behind the secondary several times and made two acrobatic catches in which he totally extended to snare the ball.
The Mocs running game didn’t shine as bright. UTC running backs were unable to find their way.. Behind an offensive line learning the nuances of a new system the rushing attack was often just a big pile up at the line of scrimmage. J.J Jackson was the best of the bunch, with 19 yards on 12 carries.
With winds howling, the UTC kicking game struggled at times. Placekicker Craig Camay had an adventurous day to say the least. After clanking a field goal try off the right upright, the strong legged Camay just shook his head. Special teams were limited to just placekicking and punting. Each offensive attempt would start at the opposing team’s 35-yard line.
Coach Huesman summed up the performance. “If we stop working, and don’t get better, we’ll have issues.” The football team will continue practice while leading up the annual Spring Game. The intrasquad contest will be held at Finley Stadium on April 18th. Kickoff is set for 7:00 pm.
After last year’s disappointing season which just managed one win. Huesman’s arrival in Chattanooga has created a buzz that has been lacking. Coach Huesman is a former UTC defensive back himself and hopes to revive a football program that has been dormant for far too long. Most recently, Huesman was the defensive coordinator for the Richmond Spiders, who played for the Division II title game here in December.
Huesman is easy to locate on the field. He looked over drills before the start of the scrimmage while looping his whistle anxiously, awaiting a chance to correct a mistake. The Mocs imitated their leader’s intensity by hustling from station to station.
According to the new boss, the first scrimmage was a success. “I was a cheerleader for most of the day, it was a lot of fun,” said Huesman. “Overall, I am pleased with the effort.” Huesman also commented on the progress so far during spring practices. “We are probably where we should be right now.”
Senior quarterback Jare Gault led the way by completing 10 of 16 for 150 yards and three touchdowns. For the first time this season, Gault was playing in real game situations. Gault was efficient and remarkably accurate throwing the ball downfield. In the shotgun most of the time, Gault was confident with his throws and seemed comfortable with the new system.
On the receiving end of four of those passes was junior Chris Pitchford, who totaled 85 yards and two touchdowns. Pitchford got behind the secondary several times and made two acrobatic catches in which he totally extended to snare the ball.
The Mocs running game didn’t shine as bright. UTC running backs were unable to find their way.. Behind an offensive line learning the nuances of a new system the rushing attack was often just a big pile up at the line of scrimmage. J.J Jackson was the best of the bunch, with 19 yards on 12 carries.
With winds howling, the UTC kicking game struggled at times. Placekicker Craig Camay had an adventurous day to say the least. After clanking a field goal try off the right upright, the strong legged Camay just shook his head. Special teams were limited to just placekicking and punting. Each offensive attempt would start at the opposing team’s 35-yard line.
Coach Huesman summed up the performance. “If we stop working, and don’t get better, we’ll have issues.” The football team will continue practice while leading up the annual Spring Game. The intrasquad contest will be held at Finley Stadium on April 18th. Kickoff is set for 7:00 pm.
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